Sometimes i wish...

There was a boy to hold my hand in public. Sometimes i wish there was a boy to wipe my tears from my checks. I sometimes wish there was a boy period in my life to care and love me when i feel the most vulnerable and lonely. On a daily basis i see women that don't deserve love, yet they have a faithful man to stay by their side. They have men to tell them they look beautiful when they feel ugly. They have a man to show them passion and comfort when they need it the most. I do not know why i feel the need to have a man around to fulfill these things. I have a great single life, but i find it's when i am completely alone that i feel the most lonely( meaning no one in the house, and no plans for the night.) Like tonight for instance, I got off work early and came home to a empty house with nothing good on t.v. to watch. Its those times i wish i had some one to talk to or hang out with other than friends. Someone i could have a emotional connection with, someone who will be there for the boring Saturday night's. To me, there are many women who take this for granted. Many women don't realize what they have till its gone, or they go out searching for greater things. Truly there shouldn't be anyone greater for you then what you have, unless they beat or abuse you then by all means there is something better in the sea. But why do many women cheat on what is so great already in their life? Why do they feel the need for more? Why are they not the one's on the couch, alone and cold on a boring Saturday night? Though i am 22 i am surely giving up. I know I'm not that old i have time, but i don't want time. I don't go out often and i don't party often, im at home alone and im tired of being home alone. I just wonder will it happen? will i find love? At this point im just giving up and waiting to be saved by some hunk. I also wonder if i will ever find anyone as good as my ex. The way he made me feel, the way i laughed. Will i laugh like that again, and feel that way again. Beautiful just the way i am? Or stuck and giving up in a hopeless sea.

In just a few short hours i will be turning 22. I must say it is not as much fun as last year was but still pretty ok, for now. This was a pretty mind blowing year. All the excitement of being a 21 year old girl, being able to have real girls nights, going to vegas, and being able to go into a bar, legally, was awesome. I found out what heart break was again, that was not so much fun. I found out that i was going to be an aunt which was exciting and overwhelming. I can't wait to say this is my nephew Henry, the fourth, my nephew! I feel i have grown this year, as in every year before.When my mom called me today she told me that she was 22 when she married my dad. This blows my mind, i cant imagine being ready to commit to someone at such a young age. I feel i'm still finding myself in this world. i still wonder what im going to do when i grow up. I want to open a bakery but who knows. I still remember when i was a kid wondering where i would be in my 20's and what i would be doing. I figured i would be somewhere great doing something amazing. But im still in the same ole town doing the same ole thing. As for my last day as 21, i am going to study, have a drink, and go to bed, early for a change!

Feel.Anxiety.Pain

cut.blood.feel. I used to have to cut and see the blood to feel real. To feel anything. Now i feel everything so intensly. How did i used to be so numb to the world, did i finally wake up? Did i finally become a part of the world? When ever there is drama i feel it, the guilt, the shame, the pain. I also realize how anxiety feels. I used to think anxiety was normal. Im slowly learning it is not normal to always feel anxious and not be able to calm down. Never knowing when it is going to hit is the hardest part. Sometimes it is walking into a school building, others when walking in my own home. I feel there will never be a cure, as i feel a spat of anxiety coming on now.

No Regrets

Some people say they have no regrets, some say they have regrets, some live with regrets, and others do not. Who is to say that we should or should not have them. Some can look back at thier regrets with sadness, others happiness. Someone reminded me tonight that what i thought was a regret, really isn't. "when you can put your feelings aside and look beyond what you want and go with what you need, thats when you start taking care of yourself and make your life better for you and no one else. no regrets ever. everything happens for a reason. we might not see the reason at the time but we all do eventually" is what he said to me. This is how i need to start thinking when trying to get over someone or when things dont work out the way i intended them to or invisioned them to. I always learn from them and i always will have no regrets. With them, how would i have lived my life... I cannot regret what has made me well me.

good guys finish last...

over the last few months i have realized that good guys finish last...i pushed my " good" guy away. i thought i had more options, with the bad boy, the hot boy, and the ex/blast from the past. though only months later none of these boys matter and there is still that nice guy, just waiting for me to say when, where, and what time. i found myself pondering about this boy, guy and or man for months. when i was trying to hold onto something that was dead from the day it started. i was holding on to the situation where the nice, nieve girl was going to finish dead last... and i did. once you finish last it is hard to trust again. with every person you get to know it seems you give a little piece of your heart, even if its friendship. so when you loose that friendship or relationship it makes it hard to try again... but im trying. for me its like climbing a mountain, but im atleast on the trail and im atleast going to give it a try... after all the kiss was simple, sweet, and given from the first gentlemen i have known in my adult life... yeah the first but i suppose that is expected i am only in my twenties. there could be many more fish in the sea or i could be hooked... only tomarro can tell but today was a gift. im happy that my wondering led to the trail on a mountain, it seems we only get a few of these days to set us on new paths. but it was my own will, not gods will for me to just wonder and be me... thats all i have and for me, thats big.

voices, pieces, monsters.

When you meet someone for the first time, sometimes you will remeber it. When you meet your best friend you remember most of the details.When you meet the love of your life you remember ever second of it. All day those seconds of every memory we had ever made have been running through me head, like a never ending nightmare. on and off, off and on, with no end in sight, im waiting for the boat to see the harbor but there is no lighthouse to light my way. our love seemed like a dream, now tarnished by your decisions and actions. my heart breaks into a million pieces to see the monster you have become, you are the trusest of the true when it comes to monsters.you have become ugly overnight to me when i used to think you were beautiful. you are souless and sour, when your spirit used to run through me with such a sweetness. was i just to blinded by love to see your ugly side, your true side? as sickend as i have become with you, i am also sadened to lose you, though i dont know why or how i should or could be sad for you in this situation. im shaking with rage, im cryin with fury, and altogether just lost... your a monster, im a million pieces, and life is frozen to me.

Im going to be an AUNT!!!!

About three weeks ago hank and danielle told me they were pregnat with my first niece or nephew... im leaning twords niece but won't know till june! I was over joyed when they told me. I was almost in dis-belief. I first thought they were joking but they are 100% serious. I could not be happier that they are going to have a baby. I know they will be amazing parents. They are such kind and caring people that i know my neice or nephew will adore them! I cannot wait to see what an amazing life the little peach grows into... since the baby is a size of a peach in just a few days! What more can i say, Aunt Brooke aka ab is ready to meet baby hampton already and is counting down the days till november!!!! 197 days or close to depending if she or he decides to come november 18!!!!

speak to me...

somedays i miss you so much. i had the most visual dream about my grandpa last night. i wonder if it will ever be the last. i found my self in a completly dark room. then a dim light appeared. as i walked to the dim light, it got brighter and brighter. as i got to the light, there was my grandpa. with his face so happy and comforting. i started to cry to say how much i missed him and how much i loved him. with tears rolling down my face he said " its ok, im ok, everything will be ok" all i could say was how much i missed and loved him, i just wanted to talk to him so bad and i knew that i would never be able to ever again. he then told me " it will be ok" as the light went out with a big flash, all i saw was a yellow butterfly leave and that was the end of my dream. i have never drempt of my grandpa but this was the most serreal dream i have ever had, i felt he was there, in the room with me. its so wierd because of the things going on in my life and him saying it will be ok, just blows my mind. though it is reasurring things that are bad right now will get better, i felt like his spirit had heard me last night when i wanted to talk to him so bad just wishing i would have just ten more minutes with him. maybe that was my last ten minutes with him? maybe it was just my hopes getting the best of me. but it has truly affected me today. the only thing i want more in this world is to have ten last minutes with him.

leaving

Im in a mood, a mood that can pull me under, if i let it get away from me it soon will... i just need to get it all out.

Sometimes i want so badely to watch you suffer, they way i have and always suffer in your pesence. Not once is there a look or shread of decency sent my way. So ready to shed the skin and this world. Never had i wanted to be so alone and surrounded. Everyone and everything demand perfection from someone who gives no perfection, never saw it in my contract, and dont understand it. No one is perfect, however i contstantly feel i let people down, when i just want to be left alone, go away, leave. But then im backlashed with why? depressed much? and hermit... just go.

change

It is always interesting when your group of friends has a huge change in mindset. Mine is now having a change in the way we think of men. At first it seems like we all met ok guys. Just your average male, not to much special about them, but enough to give each of us butterflys. Only to realize a few weeks to a few months later that these men, men we put on pedistools, don't deserve the butterflys or pedistools. In fact they deserve to be droped from those stools and beaten severly. It is funny what a little crush can do to a woman. Sometimes it gives a soft glow, and sometimes it messes with your brain till you can't think any more. Well we all had blinders on and kept making excuses for the good we saw in these men. Only to truly find there was no good in these men. We all deserve someone to worship the ground we walk on. Why should we settle for these "average" men. Well truth be told no one out there, no woman, should have to settle for average. We should be taking an interest in the men who would climb mountains just to see us. Not men that expect to be waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong, we are still hurt by these average men by being the ones to wait on them, give up more for them than they would for us. But these average men only make us stonger to fight for the ones that we deserve and the ones who deserve us. We are now all ready to drop those averages to the curbs and we are ready to wait, search, or stumble upon those a + men that are hiding behind the averages shadows.



Red Jumpsuit Apparatus : Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

drained.

I am writting tonight completly drained yet im not ready to say good night. my morning was rough as well as my night last night. in total i got about 45 minutes of sleep. i was so nervous to talk to my mom about the lap band but when it came down to it i could barely talk. all i did was start crying and there was no turning back then. so while sitting in my moms car spilling my guts on how i felt, i started to feel better though i still cant quit crying.yes i have my mothers support but it is still going to be a long and tough journey knowing where i could be a year from now. then one of my besties called. her name is calie and we met when i was 8 years old, she lived across the street from my dad and we have been inseperable since. we had a long talk today about best friends and what they mean to us, the ones who give us the most heart and more. the ones who never judge us, when a normal person should. the ones who just listen and love you for who you are. my friends help keep me stong when i feel i cant move, the motivate and inspire me to live life to the fullest and live everyday like its my last. i love them all to death and forever!

what a day, what a week, what a month, what a year...

it is insane how much time has gone by this year. this is the year i turned 21, went to vegas, had my heart broken, and found out who my true and real friends were. it seems like just yesterday was the first of the year. so much is going on in life it just gets to be to much at some points. i feel i just need to climb to the top of a mountain to escape it all. i had my very first, funnest ever, st. patties day with all of my best friends, well most of them! we of course went out and had some drinks but it was just nice to cut loose for a night with out all the b.s. and drama that life has been bringing to me and all of my friends lately... it has been poring drama for almost every one that i know. life is going at the moment... im very nervous about tomarro... i am going to ask my mother if i can get the lap band surgery... i have to ask her if she would help with funds for the operation. it is up in the air as to what she will say but i have to do this for myself. before i lose myself in the weight to my emotions or physically. its already set in, the depression that i have from failed attempts of keeping this weight off. yes i have lost 70 pounds before... i kept it off for maybe a week after eleven months of hard ass work. the problem with going to a bording school for weightloss and coming back into the same situation that you left, is that you get thrown back into the fighting and heart ache and pain that was what you tried to escape. the problem is if your situation doesnt change then neither will your habits, friends habits, or your families. two days after coming home from school after being gone for almost a year, i was told i still wasnt as small as my step-mother... i was a size twelve wearing a medium shirt that was two big. it just seems if i am small or big weight is always an issue with the people im around. it makes me feel like such a big dissapointment. many people have mad sure i feel like shit for it to....

reguardless here are some pics from the wild night

second guessing

it never fails that at some point in life you can start to second guess yourself. some times it seems that it happens more often then it should. i find when this happens its time to bring myself back down to earth. many times in relationships i have either romantic or friendship i sometimes have to take a step back and look at the big picture. earlier this week i started to second guess an ending to a relationship. if it was the right decision or if it truly ended right. i came to the conclusion after writting a mistaken letter, that i made the right choice. i finally realized that everything was in the right place and everything was right where it needed to be for me to " start over" and begin something new. though it can be hard to let a person walk out of your life, most of the time it is for the best. people can walk in and out of our lives but there are reasons. sometimes its to make us realize what we want in life, or that we deserve better. though it may not always seem like the right thing at the time, but five minutes, or years later it will prove that you made the right decision. sometimes it seems good to second guess ourselves so that we can re-evaluate what we are doing, where we are going, and what we deserve. its just funny some times the way these simple events fall into our laps just waiting on a decision or a second guess.

monster

"That boy is a monster
M-m-m-monster
(Could I love him?)
He ate my heart
(I love that girl)
He ate my heart" lady gaga monster

so i sit here tonight speechless but so much more to say. i feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on the floor and put back into my chest. it gets so hard to trust some one but once you do it seems you just should of stayed away.

it always amazes me when your supposed to forget about someone and it seems the hardest task in the world. though many people tell you constantly that you need to let it go. but its truly hard, i truly want to let it go and let this person go but its just so hard to. it is so hard to put your heart into the open only to get ripped apart by piranas and handed back to you to put it back together. it just makes it harder to put it back out again, to any one... not just a person of interest but family and friends to. its such an ache and a pain. i just alway feel i put myself out there and get handed nothing. its funny to me though when people come and go in your life they all take little pieces of our heart with them, not sure what they do with them, but they do collect small pieces that you can never get back.


tonight its all about ani difranco

disapointments

yesterday was chalked full of disapointments. we had my dads birthday dinner and i felt horrible sick before going just knowing that my step mom always has to say something negative, and she did. its amazing though to me yesterday for once cathy said " oh u look like u shrank" though i know i havent she was just being overly nice which i hate, its like if you hate me, just hate me dont pretned that you give a shit, its just fake and i hate it. she also made some rude dating comments and yanked my dad away from me while i was talking to him... so overall pretty bad time for me. however i was waiting for someone to text me so we could talk and it never happened. i know they are busy but it still hurts.

in other better news i was talking to my best friend audrey and we realized we will be friends for 18 years in april. this is crazy to be, to know someone for this long, know everything about them, always be there for them. its just so crazy out of all the best friends in our "class" we definetly lasted the longest and still going on strong. i do love my best friend as i do all my friends, i just cant wrap my mind around 18 years, seems like its been a blink of an eye.

so yesterday was just a bit of a bump in my road however i woke up today remembering my worth and knowing that i am worth it, and i deserve only the best!!! that motherfucker will miss me more than i will him!!! adios, se la vie, hasta la vista baby!!!!! so yea i just thought you should know that i have picked myself back up and will contunue to rememer who i am, someone who should be waited for, not waiting!!!

trust

when do you start to trust someone? is it upon first meeting them, or taking to them? or is it when you start to get to know them? how do you trust someone when they do you wrong? can you truly ever forgive them? some way and some how i always find my trust being taken back from people. it's a heart pain tonight but non the less pain. it seems i always put to much out there and just get treated like shit. today i felt i was talked down to and mistreated. it seems i am always underappreciated. i know i should never be talked down to but when it happens, im to taken back by shock to truly say what i want to them. i just hate putting myself out there and then getting hurt. i know this what some call the process of life but it makes me so hesitant to put my self out there time and time again. im in a place of confusion. it was only five short years ago around this time that i tried to take my life. it still hits me as hard as it did the day after. i cant believe that i ever got so depressed that i tried to end my own life. how can one person hate life enough to just say good by? im just in a thinking mood tonight cause of what happened today but i know i will be strong and surely get over it... " your eyes have got to do some raining if your ever going to grow."

" the roast of our lives"

tonight at work jessica and i were talking about life, and how it is meant to be lived not followed. so we came up with an idea to make a list. however the list is not for life or what to do before we die, it has a time limit. that time limit starts now and goes till may 12, 2010. everything on our list has to be completed:

1. get a tattoo- jessica's task
2. kiss ***** ***** brooke's task
3. have coffee at cuppers- both hopefully together
4. get a pair of converse- brooke's task
5. take a day trip around arizona- both
6. play beer pong at brooke's house- both and everyone is invited
7. get monroe pierced- both
8. dress wild n crazy (lady gaga) and go out in public- both
9. buy a homeless person a meal.
10. watch teh sun rise and set- same day- some where other than our own living rooms-both
11. artist day- one day dedicated to art forms.

we just happened to start talking about life and decided it was time to get some things accomplished no matter what they were... i am most worried about number 2 of course... but also getting my monroe pierced because my mother will flip out!!1

so wish us luck as we embark on this four month journey!

picking up pieces

amazingly when i look back on my youth, i find i am still picking up the piece of that disaster. i was always very lost and in my own world. i believe what brought on my being lost in this world was my parents divorce. i was only five and it took a huge effect for many years. the aftermath of a divorce will take a toll on any kid at any age, however i feel this was a pretty crucial age for me and within a few years of the divorce both of my parents remarried. it is just amazing to me though the effects of my youth that still haunt me today. i find i somedays a struggle more than others to get out of bed and be myself. somedays i just want to suck back into that lost teenager. sometimes its brought on by people of my past or people of my present. i just feel as though i am constantly picking up pieces of my life to keep it together. as i am getting older my anxiety is getting worse. i am feeling anxious alot more than i used to. some days its going to class, the store, or to a friends house. i just cant put my finger on why yet but tryin to work out the pieces. i love this blue october song and the quote "It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time " i constantly have someones problems weighing on my heart. i am the kind of person that no matter how mean you maybe to me if there is ever an emergency, i am right there by your side. i know i should not care this much about everyone but it is something i cannot help. though nine times out of ten i get treated like shit, to me its the tenth person that counts.


Blue October
Picking up pieces

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still

school. school, school...

school started last week... it is such a stress being in school but so nessisary to life, to make something of yourself. its amazing to me how stressed i can be during school, im truly suprized that i have no had a heart attack or stoke.

in other news my emotions are all over the place. somedays i cant wait to start and others i wish i day was over before it started. so at this point i usually look to music to pull me out of it:

blue october- approaching normal, 2009
alexisonfire- crisis-2006, old crows, young cardinals, 2009
flipside- missing you- not sure when it was released
alkaline trio- blue in the face
ani difranco- anything of her's is amazing
kings of leon- only by the night
snow patrol- eyes open

forgotten

i sometimes forget that i have a sister... well a half sister, what has been called by my dad a mistake, what helped tear our family apart. though i dont know my half sister, i never see her, i wish i would of know her. though she maybe looked at as a mistake from some people, to me she is no mistake... now what seems to be a bit of a lost soul, but its not her fault. she has been misgieded though life with no responsibility taken on anyones part... i always wish her well as i will tonight.

its hard...

in life it is hard to admit fault, take responsibility, and take the blame. but at some point it has to happen, no matter how bitter the taste may be. i hate the taste i have had for the last few weeks. i dont want to admit im wrong... though i know to move on i have to. i was wrong to myself, when i came home from aos, i lied to myself. i told myself, i was ready to go home, move on, and love myself. this was false. i was not ready to be home and deal with my family issues, the issues's that never changed, only continued to get worse... i wasnt ready to face the fact that i was an addict... this still kills though i am slowly trying to move on from this, it is a continued struggle...

good thinking song about actions

Please accept my apologies, I wonder what would have been.
Would you have been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes.
I paid for the murder before they determined the sex,
choosing our life over your life meant your death.
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes,
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life.
Would you have been a little genius? In love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
Would you have been a little rapper like your poppa The Piper?
Would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skin tone and shape of your nose,
and the way you would've laughed and talked fast or slow.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.


Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake


I got a million excuses, as to why you died.
And other people got their own reasons for homicide.
Who's to say it would've worked and who's to say it wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad.
The fear of being my father has never disappeared,
I ponder it frequently while I'm sippin' on my beer.
My vision of a family was artificial and fake
so when it came time to create, I made a mistake.
But now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you.
Maybe you really forgave us knowing we were confused.
Maybe, every time that he smiles it's you proudly knowing
that your father's doing the right thing now.
I'll never tell a woman what to do with her body,
but if she don't love children, then we can't party.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.


Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake


And from the Heavens to the womb to the Heavens again.
From the ending to the ending, never got to begin.
Maybe one day we can meet face to face,
in a place without time and space. Happy birthday.

What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

cant even find the words

i feel so horrible for my friends in time of need. for those who believe in him, how do they look to god, when he takes the life of a child? how do people still believe in god after such a tragety? why does he get to choose who gets to keep thier child and who doesnt? yes, some could say it was god's will, there was a better plan, but then you see the lady in the supermarket beating the living shit out of her child what is the plan for that child? or the father who molests his daughters, why is that god's will. why are these people given the gift of children? this is why i have always questioned god. why does he let good people suffer? people always say things happen for a reason, what is the reason for losing a child? what explanation is good enough for that? i guess i just don't get why "god" takes people to "heavon" early? i hate when people say well god needed them more than we did... what happens to the child who still needs a mother or father? what happened to the people closest to that person needing them? when a father kills himself leaving two daughters with no father to walk them down the aisle? how the hell is that fair to the people left behind? all of this is coming out of anger for my friend who deseves another child, to have a ruptured ectopic pregnancy a.k.a. miscarrage, more or less forced. please can some one tell me what the hell she did to deserve that? in my eyes, godless eyes, nothing.

regrets

today im full of regrets... why didnt i just say no. my emotions are on high and my spirits are on low. the pain i felt came rushing back like a bolt of lightning to the heart i got jumpstated in the moment, of what i used to love and miss. why can i miss you and love you so much without a second glance from you. you didnt know or see what i went though, you dont know how it feels. im speechless and full of things to say.i went through one of the most painful expiriences of my life thanks to you. it is amazing that you could not even have a hint of what i have gone though because of you and for you. though i cannot hold this against you i wish i could. im foolish