drained.

I am writting tonight completly drained yet im not ready to say good night. my morning was rough as well as my night last night. in total i got about 45 minutes of sleep. i was so nervous to talk to my mom about the lap band but when it came down to it i could barely talk. all i did was start crying and there was no turning back then. so while sitting in my moms car spilling my guts on how i felt, i started to feel better though i still cant quit crying.yes i have my mothers support but it is still going to be a long and tough journey knowing where i could be a year from now. then one of my besties called. her name is calie and we met when i was 8 years old, she lived across the street from my dad and we have been inseperable since. we had a long talk today about best friends and what they mean to us, the ones who give us the most heart and more. the ones who never judge us, when a normal person should. the ones who just listen and love you for who you are. my friends help keep me stong when i feel i cant move, the motivate and inspire me to live life to the fullest and live everyday like its my last. i love them all to death and forever!

what a day, what a week, what a month, what a year...

it is insane how much time has gone by this year. this is the year i turned 21, went to vegas, had my heart broken, and found out who my true and real friends were. it seems like just yesterday was the first of the year. so much is going on in life it just gets to be to much at some points. i feel i just need to climb to the top of a mountain to escape it all. i had my very first, funnest ever, st. patties day with all of my best friends, well most of them! we of course went out and had some drinks but it was just nice to cut loose for a night with out all the b.s. and drama that life has been bringing to me and all of my friends lately... it has been poring drama for almost every one that i know. life is going at the moment... im very nervous about tomarro... i am going to ask my mother if i can get the lap band surgery... i have to ask her if she would help with funds for the operation. it is up in the air as to what she will say but i have to do this for myself. before i lose myself in the weight to my emotions or physically. its already set in, the depression that i have from failed attempts of keeping this weight off. yes i have lost 70 pounds before... i kept it off for maybe a week after eleven months of hard ass work. the problem with going to a bording school for weightloss and coming back into the same situation that you left, is that you get thrown back into the fighting and heart ache and pain that was what you tried to escape. the problem is if your situation doesnt change then neither will your habits, friends habits, or your families. two days after coming home from school after being gone for almost a year, i was told i still wasnt as small as my step-mother... i was a size twelve wearing a medium shirt that was two big. it just seems if i am small or big weight is always an issue with the people im around. it makes me feel like such a big dissapointment. many people have mad sure i feel like shit for it to....

reguardless here are some pics from the wild night

second guessing

it never fails that at some point in life you can start to second guess yourself. some times it seems that it happens more often then it should. i find when this happens its time to bring myself back down to earth. many times in relationships i have either romantic or friendship i sometimes have to take a step back and look at the big picture. earlier this week i started to second guess an ending to a relationship. if it was the right decision or if it truly ended right. i came to the conclusion after writting a mistaken letter, that i made the right choice. i finally realized that everything was in the right place and everything was right where it needed to be for me to " start over" and begin something new. though it can be hard to let a person walk out of your life, most of the time it is for the best. people can walk in and out of our lives but there are reasons. sometimes its to make us realize what we want in life, or that we deserve better. though it may not always seem like the right thing at the time, but five minutes, or years later it will prove that you made the right decision. sometimes it seems good to second guess ourselves so that we can re-evaluate what we are doing, where we are going, and what we deserve. its just funny some times the way these simple events fall into our laps just waiting on a decision or a second guess.

monster

"That boy is a monster
M-m-m-monster
(Could I love him?)
He ate my heart
(I love that girl)
He ate my heart" lady gaga monster

so i sit here tonight speechless but so much more to say. i feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on the floor and put back into my chest. it gets so hard to trust some one but once you do it seems you just should of stayed away.