A letter for my brother...

As i sit here on the eve of what was the hardest day in my life, i am left with thoughts. Some of them good, some bad, some just wondering. As i let my thoughts wonder, searching for answers, i came across this, " He's the guy who's always there for you. Whenever things go wrong, he'll give you a hand to help you through. And lend your heart a song. He's the guy who's also there for you whenever things go right. To say "Well done! and " Good for you" " i knew you'd be alright" He's the guy you've fought with, stuck up for. A friend that's like no other. A guy that's this and so much more. This guy is called a brother." And there is no one like him in this world. He is a one of a kind. In a song that i adore, there is this line about a brother "Believe you can shine when you're silver, And I promise you gold; I promise you gold" Today my brother has taught me this is true. He has assured me it is ok to be myself, not to regret it. I can't leave out my sis in law, she has been behind my brother this entire time cheering me on. I guess what it all boils down to is this: I am lucky, however i am more chance, as it was chance that brought me to my brother, not luck. My favorite quote on my favorite piece of art work i will ever own states " Brother and sister by chance, friends forever by choice." I love my change and my choice and I love my Brother.

I'm off on an adventure...

Imagine if you will, going down a dirt road, parking the car, and walking out of the " world" walking away from cell phones and cars. As you walk down the mountain you are surrounded by peace and quiet, most of all beauty. Sedona red rocks, beautiful mountains, and amazing friends. As you near the vegetation below, you can hear the water running. As you pass through the brush and broken trees, you are taken away to a place of serenity. There is a plot of rocks, in the middle of a stream of water. This was my Saturday. It was spent tucked away from the world, my own piece of heaven. Me and three of my best friend went on an adventure, to be lost. When we arrived down to the water, i was taken away from the stress of life. It was like, nothing else existed in that moment, just my friends and I. This place we found was secluded but perfect. There was a cut out of rocks for us to lay on, and a deeper hole for us to swim in. We spent a total of 4 hours out there, and it felt like days. Just pure quiet and running water. The sun seemed to heal us all. With all the hustle and bustle of life, the sun just seemed to set us all free. It was fun talking and laughing, then we would go through 30 or more minutes of not talking, just reflecting. I am not one for hiking usually, and i loved this place... I cannot wait to go back. I feel like a healed soul brought back to life.

5 years and counting...

Five whole years. Five. Cinco. Five years since i last cut. For those unaware of "cutting" it is self mutilation, where you intentionally hurt yourself. It is almost hard to describe unless you have done it. For what ever reason it helps relieve pain, or i should say it did for me. For years i cut, to help myself feel. to release my pain from the inside out. As of Monday however, i am five years "sober" i guess you can call it, five years free of cutting. Many times when someone is a cutter, they will never quit. When talking to my therapist a few years back, he still had a client that was cutting. She was 42 years old. Though i was cutting at this point still in my life, that one sentence has always stuck with me. Being 42, this woman most likely had a husband and a family, and she was still taking out her emotional pain upon herself. The last day i cut was June 13, 2006. I was still at boarding school over in California. I was having some problems with the family and decided cutting was my best option to let go of the pain. It had been a few months since i had cut, so i went a little over board. Once i was done i looked down at my leg to check the damage, and all i saw was blood. I had to tell one of the counselors so i could get band aids and get the bleeding to stop. As one of the R.A.'s was helping me get cleaned up, she just kept shaking her head and asking me why. I couldn't form words, all i could do was cry. I couldn't believe i had set myself back again, just when i thought i was moving forward i took 20 steps backwards. When all of my friends at school found out about it, boy did i get ear fulls from all around. That night as i laid in bed, looking at the huge band aid's and ace bandage around my thigh, i had a vision, of me in my forties, with a few kids, hiding under long sleeve t-shirts and long pants in the summer. I did that for a few years and it was pure misery. As i cried in bed and wondered how i traveled down this road, and what brought me here. I realized the pain I had endured from my child hood, did not have to follow me into adult hood, or past this day. Tomorrow was a new start to a new day, and a new life. I no longer had to live with this embarrassment and addiction. So the next day, i decided to start taking things a day at a time. And here i am, 5 years later. Back then, if you would of told me i would of gone for 5 years without cutting, i would of said no fucking way. But yes, fucking way, i did it, it happened, and i am continuing on this path. It is just insane to see where i have come from. If i could write a letter to me or my past, i would have been able to tell myself, it is all worth it. All the pain, tears, and blood is worth the wait of happiness. What is my happiness you ask? My friends, family, my house, my business. It is in the eyes of my young nephew, the laugh of my friends, the love from my mother, the support of everyone, well almost everyone, around me. Happiness is waking up everyday in a pain free world, walking up to take that new day, leaving my past further and further behind me. I was told long ago, you can never forget your past, as it has made you who you are, but you never have to live in the past again. You can look back in the past for references, as long as you don't stay in the past. When i was younger, i could not see into the future, as i wished i didn't have one and that everyday was the day for me to leave this earth. Yes i know that sounds a little drawn out and over done, but that is the way i felt. And now i feel as though i have run a huge marathon race. In a way, i know i have. You don't just get to a five year mark without serious work. Still to this day, when i am really down and out, it will pop into my mind to just "cut". Then i look down at my memorial/anniversary tattoo and i think about the last few years and my growth and happiness, and i say fuck no. And i choose to never look back and never relive that part of my past. c'est-la-vie (it's the life) but i choose this life. After all, how can you regret or be upset with a life you choose? So here's to me, yes me, and five years going on five and a day.

Life is to short to...

Have any regrets. How many times have you regretted not getting that mustard pair of high heels in charlotte russe in San Diego, California two years ago? Well at least this is one of them for me. Do you ever think about your regrets? How many do you have? As i watched my nephew crawl around tonight i remembered when he was first born and how time has flown since that amazing day. And as he grabbed onto my foot tonight, i thought about all the things i have wanted to say or do to my friends and loved ones. All those times i wanted to hang with my dad on the couch, but instead refused to because of his wife being in the room. All those times i wanted to hang with my friends but didn't to please my mom. Too many times I have passed up great opportunities that life is all about. I am making note to never do this with my nephew or from now on. What are you going to change to ensure you can look back fully on this life, and be truly satisfied?

Good bye Portland, Hello Arizona!!!!!!!!!!

Portland as a overall experience was great. I learned a lot from flower school and I learned a lot about myself and what I can handle and what I cannot. I learned more self confidence while I was here as weird as that sounds. And Portland as a city is an amazing city; I would highly recommend everyone to visit this city for its beauty and its food. I also met some amazing people that I believe I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I am so very excited to get home to start my new life. I have been told my shop looks amazing like my new kitchen will to. I am excited to wake up every day and love my career. I am beyond excited to get into my shop and do what I do best… create masterpieces… well mostly! Wish me luck as I travel home and start the first day of the rest of my life Saturday!

Little red dress, how i love you...

I have confidence. Say it. Confidence. Can you say it? Can you fully let it roll off your tongue with a ring? Can you look at yourself in the mirror while saying it or do you have to whisper it to yourself in the corner? I can, I will, I did. Yes I did, I was able to look myself in the mirror and say I have confidence in you. When I left for Portland I wanted a change. I wanted to come back somewhat different. I like most realize I am not perfect; I have flaws that can sometimes take away from my life and happiness, only because I let them. I somehow wanted to come back with fewer flaws, it seems to be working. I bought a sexy, short, bright red dress which is something as a big girl, I have never done. It felt so good to slip it on in the dressing room, and have enough confidence to show my new friend how it looked. It fit like a glove and brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt as beautiful as I did trying that dress on. It is short and sassy, just like me. It’s a perfect match for me and my new confidence. How do you gain confidence away from home you ask? Simple… get thrown into the unknown and you will be simply amazing at what you are capable outside of your comfort zone. I am someone who will sit in on a Saturday night because I am not comfortable with my body. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love to go out, but when you are the only “big” girl in your group, you are the one that never gets hit on. You are the one who gets made fun of while you walk past a group of guys. So when this happens, it forces me to stay home, in my comfort zone. However the comfort zone is not as fun as it should be. While you just sit there, watching t.v. all by yourself, your friends are out having the time of their lives which is right where you should be, in the middle of the dance floor laughing it up with your best buds. Instead you continue weekend after weekend to sit on the couch and wallow in sorrow and weep with the willows. So since I came to Portland I decided every day I would wear makeup, earrings, and cute matching outfits. This may not seem like a challenge or a revelation to some of you but shit, when you don’t want to be seen by the world some days; this is the biggest challenge in the world. With this challenge, you are asking people in. You are asking to be seem by society, to hear the good and bad remarks. .. You are asking for the world to notice you as a big and beautiful women, you are asking to be seen with confidence, when you have very little. Because all too often I let societies take it from me. I let that group of dick heads take it from me. So since I have been here, though it has been challenging, I have done it. I wake up dreading school as always but I get up, get dressed, put on makeup, and grab a great pear of earrings. I walk down stairs into the lobby, grab my coffee and a bagel and start my day out with a smile. I walk seven blocks plus to get to school and one of my new friends will come pick me up most of the time which is a nice break in the rain. As I wait for my ride to arrive, I like to watch people and everything around me. I used to freak out and think “ omg what are they staring at? Are they talking about me? Was that laugh directed towards me?” Now I just simply stare and wonder about other people, not making judgments, just wondering. I just wonder now because I have no doubts that I look great and I don’t have to let my negative thoughts consume my morning and my day. Yes I am a big women, who would love to be skinny, but I didn’t gain all this weight in one day, it sure as hell is not going to come off in one. But when it does, I know there are a million other red dress stories waiting for me.

Penny for your thoughts?

No matter where you go, and what you do, you need a support system. Near or far I believe everyone should have at least one person besides yourself to help support and guide you through the journeys you will go on. For me, my support system is far and wide. I called some people from home today, three to be exact, and it made me feel more at ease. Every single one of my friends from home has reminded me this week how lucky I am to have each and every one of them, and of course my mom and grandmother as well taught me today time heals everything and I will always have their support, especially in time. My grandmother is quitting smoking after 50 years, I think this shows her strong will and I know she can do it. And my mother was just full of support and so was my brother. I feel my heart growing through my chest as I put these letters to paper. Everyone from home is full of excitement and hope in me to do this, this being becoming a florist. I can hear the excitement and wonder in the voices of my support and it makes me feel I have made the right choice, in fact I know I have. All of my friends have seen me through my true ups and downs, because with friends you can just fall like butter in a microwave and they have a way of putting you in a refrigerator and not making you a stick again, but they do make you hard enough to face the world. So to know this is another adventure they support me in makes me have more of a appreciation for them. Today I ate at pita pit for the first time and it was quite good. I also made some asymmetrical arrangements and corsages. I walked around a few blocks from the hotel and explored. It is nice just being able to listen to my i-pod and walk around and look at all the neat things here in Portland. I like to just stop and look around to observe. I see lovers in embrace not wanting to let go, I see a group of friends talking and reminiscing of times past and present, and I see a man and a man holding hands. No one stares at them, or laughs, but they are somehow embraced in this community as a beautiful thing of love. There is no religion on each corner popping out to the sinners and saints. There are just people being people, letting each other live. I see men talking to homeless men trying to find their story and it just seems fascinating in this city there is such diversity and change. This is a place that many could come to search to find pieces of their soul that never excited and at least have some bit of change by the time they left. It reminds me of Prescott but on a broader stream with change and acceptance on every corner, you just have to keep a look out for it. This makes me think of the girl who gave the homeless girl a dollar for shelter. Maybe she was the change I saw on the corner that night. What was around the other corner? Was there a bigger changed that happened? What is around us that we are not seeing on a day to day basis? There must be lots as the world changes a little every day. Are you the person behind the corner with a dollar to spare? Are you possibly one of the nine to stubborn to help your fellow man? I ask you can you find change in yourself or can you recall a time you changed a little or spared a little. I know every day here is an adventure and has limited time, so its time for me to soak it all in and make some room for change.

26 days...

I have only 26 days. 26 days to begin my new life. 26 days to explore a new city. 26 days could seem long to some people, but it almost doesn’t seem like it is enough. I am going to floral design school. When I was growing up, I never knew what I was going to do for a living. I never had that poof moment where I knew exactly what I wanted to do and be. I worked for 5+ years in my mom’s shop. I enjoyed it but I was more shop keep than I was a designer. I am so over the moon excited to have a career, not a job. Fashion Bug was a job, floral design is a career. I also decided to take this time in Oregon to challenge myself. To take a step outside of my normal and throw myself into the unknown. This is unknown territory for sure. I am located in the downtown area. It is surrounded by many shops, coffee, and restaurants. You can walk pretty much any where you need to go. Many of the people are friendly, on my way to school I got lost and a nice man helped me get where I needed to go. I made fast friends with a girl in my class, who is giving me a ride to school tomorrow ( I had a horrible day in the rain). In this 26 days however, I also challenged myself to do something every day. For instance I went to a local theater tonight with rose ( my floral friend) and her husband. They were showing a preview of what they were going to be putting on this year at the theatre. They had snacks and cupcakes to lure people in to buy season tickets. I must say this was the best stage acting I have ever seen. It makes me wish I lived her e for the entertainment. We also went out to dinner and I had a beer with dinner, which if you know me, I usually only get dr.pepper, and I was presently surprised that I liked the beer and almost ordered another one. I was also surprised that in some cities all people are the same. As I came out of the theater a younger girl approached me and asked if I had a dollar to spare so she could get a room at a hostel for the night, because the shelter was full. I unfortunately had left my backpack in rose’s car or else I would have given her the 4 dollars in my purse.. As I waited outside for rose and her husband I watched this young girl ask ten other people if they had a dollar. Some dismissed her as soon as she approached; some listened to her story and then turned her down. Only one out of ten people gave her a dollar. In a city full of Honda elements, Toyota pruis’s, Ford mustangs and Cadillac escalade’s only one person could spare a dollar. In a city where the major is openly gay, everyone conserves energy and recycles, it seems only one person had a heart. It is a rainy night here in Portland, I will think about that girl all night, wondering if she got a room… Another thing that stayed with me is a line from the theater :“ I’m an angry American with an open mind. I am full of hate and envy but at the end, I am full of hope.” Can you make yourself a challenge, even in your own town? Can you make yourself do something outside of your comfort zone everyday for at least a month? I think you can!

Oh nephews....

If you ever get so lucky as to become an aunt, then you know my title by heart. Even when they are less than three months it is incredible the love you have for your nephew. As i went to see my darling little nephew Henry, i was so excited to see him i could barely wait. Work took forever, the pizza took way to long to cook, and traffic was just in the way. The moment my sister opened the door and i saw his beautiful face, i could cry all over again, like the day he was born. To me, Henry is perfect in every way, as most aunts and parents would say, but i truly feel it. From head to toe, there is perfection. His eyes could kill, his checks chubby, his body long and growing, and his heart out for all to see. How could you not love a baby right? Well the moment i was told i was going to be an aunt i had instant love for Henry. I am one of his aunts, and i feel so lucky to be. Last night he fell asleep on me for an hour and a half. As we laid there, i wondered what he was dreaming about, if he was dreaming. I wondered when i would tell him this story of when he fell asleep on my chest and stretched out and used me like a recliner.I could and would never trade that moment for anything. It is amazing how fulfilling being an aunt can make you feel. I can't wait to see what his life brings and to watch him grow from a boy to a man.