baby shower

this is the weekend of my friend audrey's baby shower. it is so interesting to me to see how your friends in life grow into their womanhood or motherhood. i am so excited for audrey. i know she will be an amazing mother. i have known her since we were 4 and to see her go through this is an amazing experience. it will be interesting to see who gets married next or has a baby. . .

for me right now though its not the right time to have a baby or get married (plus you have to atleast have a boy friend first!)

so for me its just living life to the fullest... cause you never know when its over!

chow for now!

lips of an angel

it is so wierd to think back about all the people who have come in and out of our lives. weither it was guys or girls. its so wierd tho think back about the memories that you shared. i am just in such a thinking mood right now i dont know why.

on another note for some reason i am missisng some of those people. and i am missing some of my family members. like my grandfather... i miss him alot more than i ever thought possible. he died when i was younger so i never thought i would ever really be able to miss him but i truly do. and i miss my brother, no hes still alive but i just think we are getting closer and then i never get to see him any more with our scheduals. its just kind of wierd. you usually arent close with your siblings when you are younger but as you get older its wierd to feel that you miss them even if they are in the same town....

today

i get to go to work... thats the glory of working retail i guess.

last night i had fun thought. Carlos, Carlotta, Crystal,Angie, and myself went to texas road house and then went bowling. it was lotta and carlos's first time but it was a blast. i just really wish i didnt have to work today...

boys, guys, men...

why is it girls are always left hurt. no matter how much they say they wont or that they are different, they just aren't. this is a bit from the book i am writting.

I always give them some part of me. We give one part of ourselves to everyone. Weather it be a part of our past, our present, or our future. If seems we are always giving and losing. However if we are giving, this means that we are receiving a part of some one else, as they are losing to us. It is just one big cycle that we need to understand that as much as we give away and loose, we are always gaining and receiving. Bits and pieces of one another. Male or female, boyfriend of girlfriend, what ever. We are always willing to give and receive bits and pieces of one another. The things I gave and shared with Joe are between he and I. Sure I can tell you all about how much we shared and cared, but you will never feel it the way that Joe and I do and did. Knowing so much about another can be scary, but it can help them and you get to know them. It will help you understand each other and yourself as a person. I guess it’s the same with annonomus. Only he and I know what we shared and what we felt, what I felt. I can truly never know if he meant what he said when he said he loved me or when he said he didn’t care about me. We will never know how we may have impacted the other person. We can only hope it was all in the right ways. They will never know how much the effected us. But what I do know is how you can express your feelings to one another and how you have changed each other. With each person that leaves your life, they let room in for some one else to come in that you are supposed to met at this point in your life. To carry you to the next point in your life. Joe helped me close a huge chapter in my life. He helped me reflect on my time at AOS. He helped me shake Peter. And he helped me stay sober. However the best thing he did was show me how to cope with a break up. The first heart break I experienced I was able to drink, smoke, pill pop, and almost chop my leg off. This time though I had to actually let myself feel the pain of love. I had to experience the pain of losing another and self soothing.

for some reason i started thinking about my relationship with joe when a friend had told me what happened to her today. i remember reflecting on it to write my book. but i do think this blurb is true. we do give pieces of ourselves to people no matter the circumstance or relationships.

just something to chew on for the moment.

oh daffy

my kitten is smitten... well my kitten is actually fucking crazy. every chance she gets she attacks me. no matter what im doing yes its very entertaining but it is also starting to hurt my hands!

oh and my psy test was pretty easy... for the most part but we will see how well i did.

no looking forward to dinner tonight cause i still havent finished my dads card. but oh well what can you do?

Life for me right now . . .

is confusing. every one wants something from me right now. " go to school, get good grades, loose weight, go to work, don't eat that, do this for me now," it seems to never end. i miss the simple days, the uncomplicated days of youth. days where certain people and problems were not. when i didn't have to make a life changing decision right now. its just so frustrating to be always pushed so far by people. or be stabbed in the back.

i hate some of the family situations i am in right now. mainly on my dads side. i just don't understand what her problem is. to make me feel guilty for what she has done and continues to do.

what ever. thats how i feel tonight is just whatever.

and tomarro starts day 6 with out water... lucky me