school. school, school...

school started last week... it is such a stress being in school but so nessisary to life, to make something of yourself. its amazing to me how stressed i can be during school, im truly suprized that i have no had a heart attack or stoke.

in other news my emotions are all over the place. somedays i cant wait to start and others i wish i day was over before it started. so at this point i usually look to music to pull me out of it:

blue october- approaching normal, 2009
alexisonfire- crisis-2006, old crows, young cardinals, 2009
flipside- missing you- not sure when it was released
alkaline trio- blue in the face
ani difranco- anything of her's is amazing
kings of leon- only by the night
snow patrol- eyes open

forgotten

i sometimes forget that i have a sister... well a half sister, what has been called by my dad a mistake, what helped tear our family apart. though i dont know my half sister, i never see her, i wish i would of know her. though she maybe looked at as a mistake from some people, to me she is no mistake... now what seems to be a bit of a lost soul, but its not her fault. she has been misgieded though life with no responsibility taken on anyones part... i always wish her well as i will tonight.

its hard...

in life it is hard to admit fault, take responsibility, and take the blame. but at some point it has to happen, no matter how bitter the taste may be. i hate the taste i have had for the last few weeks. i dont want to admit im wrong... though i know to move on i have to. i was wrong to myself, when i came home from aos, i lied to myself. i told myself, i was ready to go home, move on, and love myself. this was false. i was not ready to be home and deal with my family issues, the issues's that never changed, only continued to get worse... i wasnt ready to face the fact that i was an addict... this still kills though i am slowly trying to move on from this, it is a continued struggle...

good thinking song about actions

Please accept my apologies, I wonder what would have been.
Would you have been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes.
I paid for the murder before they determined the sex,
choosing our life over your life meant your death.
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes,
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life.
Would you have been a little genius? In love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
Would you have been a little rapper like your poppa The Piper?
Would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skin tone and shape of your nose,
and the way you would've laughed and talked fast or slow.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.


Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake


I got a million excuses, as to why you died.
And other people got their own reasons for homicide.
Who's to say it would've worked and who's to say it wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad.
The fear of being my father has never disappeared,
I ponder it frequently while I'm sippin' on my beer.
My vision of a family was artificial and fake
so when it came time to create, I made a mistake.
But now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you.
Maybe you really forgave us knowing we were confused.
Maybe, every time that he smiles it's you proudly knowing
that your father's doing the right thing now.
I'll never tell a woman what to do with her body,
but if she don't love children, then we can't party.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.


Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake


And from the Heavens to the womb to the Heavens again.
From the ending to the ending, never got to begin.
Maybe one day we can meet face to face,
in a place without time and space. Happy birthday.

What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

cant even find the words

i feel so horrible for my friends in time of need. for those who believe in him, how do they look to god, when he takes the life of a child? how do people still believe in god after such a tragety? why does he get to choose who gets to keep thier child and who doesnt? yes, some could say it was god's will, there was a better plan, but then you see the lady in the supermarket beating the living shit out of her child what is the plan for that child? or the father who molests his daughters, why is that god's will. why are these people given the gift of children? this is why i have always questioned god. why does he let good people suffer? people always say things happen for a reason, what is the reason for losing a child? what explanation is good enough for that? i guess i just don't get why "god" takes people to "heavon" early? i hate when people say well god needed them more than we did... what happens to the child who still needs a mother or father? what happened to the people closest to that person needing them? when a father kills himself leaving two daughters with no father to walk them down the aisle? how the hell is that fair to the people left behind? all of this is coming out of anger for my friend who deseves another child, to have a ruptured ectopic pregnancy a.k.a. miscarrage, more or less forced. please can some one tell me what the hell she did to deserve that? in my eyes, godless eyes, nothing.

regrets

today im full of regrets... why didnt i just say no. my emotions are on high and my spirits are on low. the pain i felt came rushing back like a bolt of lightning to the heart i got jumpstated in the moment, of what i used to love and miss. why can i miss you and love you so much without a second glance from you. you didnt know or see what i went though, you dont know how it feels. im speechless and full of things to say.i went through one of the most painful expiriences of my life thanks to you. it is amazing that you could not even have a hint of what i have gone though because of you and for you. though i cannot hold this against you i wish i could. im foolish