7 years strong...

Seven years ago I was sitting alone in my dorm room falling apart. Triggered by my most frequent trigger, there I laid cutting my leg wide open to feel something, anything other than numb. Cutting away the pain of this person and every person who had done me wrong. As I lay there killing myself with self hate all I could do was cry. It had been three long and hard years since I had started self mutilation. At that time in my life I always felt numb, unwanted, hated, and alone. It came as a release to me, to not always turn to food to heal and relieve my pain. I could do it at school, work, and home and no one would say a word. Back to that night at school when my friend walked in to find my razor in hand and blood all over my bed, I had no words. This was the first time in my entire life that someone had found me, in the middle of my self destruction. All I could do was cry, I had no words. I was numb and blind, and at the same time feeling and found.  For once in my life some one caught me red handed (no pun intended) and for once in my life someone offered a shoulder to cry on and break down on. All I could do was cry and scream. My friend just held and comforted me and that was all I had ever wanted and needed in those moments. As I calmed down she took me to an r.a. To get cleaned up. All the r.a. Could do was ask me why I had done this, all I could do was cry. At this point it had been almost 6 months since I had cut and there I stood back to square one yet again. Once my  
at school found out she immediately threatened wilderness. I knew my life at boarding school was bad enough and I didn't want to make it worse for myself. I agreed while I finished the remainder of my time there I would not self mutilate in any way.  Though it was one of the hardest things to conquer in my life, this Thursday I am celebrating 7 years strong. If I could sit in a room with myself from 7 years ago I would of never believed back then that I could come this far. Some people may shrug and roll their eyes at the idea that self harm is a problem, to these people I say this in all sincerity, fuck you. If you haven't been there, been with a friend or family member in the situation you have no idea what a growing problem it is. There were countless times I had a hard time getting the cuts to stop bleeding and to heal. I once cut my let so bad and deep it took over 6 months to heal, to put that in perspective that's over a half of a year.  When people find out what I used to do to myself they are shocked, they say " but your such a happy, easy going person, your beautiful and so caring" all of these attributes have nothing to do with the way I felt and my past life. All I can do today is help those in need with this issue and look to the future, self hate free. So cheers to 7 years, every day becomes easier and more and more reminders  of why I am here and where I am going. Thank you to my past self that finally have forgiveness and moved on. My future self thanks you  and strives to make each day a gift, not a process .