Good bye Portland, Hello Arizona!!!!!!!!!!

Portland as a overall experience was great. I learned a lot from flower school and I learned a lot about myself and what I can handle and what I cannot. I learned more self confidence while I was here as weird as that sounds. And Portland as a city is an amazing city; I would highly recommend everyone to visit this city for its beauty and its food. I also met some amazing people that I believe I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I am so very excited to get home to start my new life. I have been told my shop looks amazing like my new kitchen will to. I am excited to wake up every day and love my career. I am beyond excited to get into my shop and do what I do best… create masterpieces… well mostly! Wish me luck as I travel home and start the first day of the rest of my life Saturday!

Little red dress, how i love you...

I have confidence. Say it. Confidence. Can you say it? Can you fully let it roll off your tongue with a ring? Can you look at yourself in the mirror while saying it or do you have to whisper it to yourself in the corner? I can, I will, I did. Yes I did, I was able to look myself in the mirror and say I have confidence in you. When I left for Portland I wanted a change. I wanted to come back somewhat different. I like most realize I am not perfect; I have flaws that can sometimes take away from my life and happiness, only because I let them. I somehow wanted to come back with fewer flaws, it seems to be working. I bought a sexy, short, bright red dress which is something as a big girl, I have never done. It felt so good to slip it on in the dressing room, and have enough confidence to show my new friend how it looked. It fit like a glove and brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt as beautiful as I did trying that dress on. It is short and sassy, just like me. It’s a perfect match for me and my new confidence. How do you gain confidence away from home you ask? Simple… get thrown into the unknown and you will be simply amazing at what you are capable outside of your comfort zone. I am someone who will sit in on a Saturday night because I am not comfortable with my body. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love to go out, but when you are the only “big” girl in your group, you are the one that never gets hit on. You are the one who gets made fun of while you walk past a group of guys. So when this happens, it forces me to stay home, in my comfort zone. However the comfort zone is not as fun as it should be. While you just sit there, watching t.v. all by yourself, your friends are out having the time of their lives which is right where you should be, in the middle of the dance floor laughing it up with your best buds. Instead you continue weekend after weekend to sit on the couch and wallow in sorrow and weep with the willows. So since I came to Portland I decided every day I would wear makeup, earrings, and cute matching outfits. This may not seem like a challenge or a revelation to some of you but shit, when you don’t want to be seen by the world some days; this is the biggest challenge in the world. With this challenge, you are asking people in. You are asking to be seem by society, to hear the good and bad remarks. .. You are asking for the world to notice you as a big and beautiful women, you are asking to be seen with confidence, when you have very little. Because all too often I let societies take it from me. I let that group of dick heads take it from me. So since I have been here, though it has been challenging, I have done it. I wake up dreading school as always but I get up, get dressed, put on makeup, and grab a great pear of earrings. I walk down stairs into the lobby, grab my coffee and a bagel and start my day out with a smile. I walk seven blocks plus to get to school and one of my new friends will come pick me up most of the time which is a nice break in the rain. As I wait for my ride to arrive, I like to watch people and everything around me. I used to freak out and think “ omg what are they staring at? Are they talking about me? Was that laugh directed towards me?” Now I just simply stare and wonder about other people, not making judgments, just wondering. I just wonder now because I have no doubts that I look great and I don’t have to let my negative thoughts consume my morning and my day. Yes I am a big women, who would love to be skinny, but I didn’t gain all this weight in one day, it sure as hell is not going to come off in one. But when it does, I know there are a million other red dress stories waiting for me.

Penny for your thoughts?

No matter where you go, and what you do, you need a support system. Near or far I believe everyone should have at least one person besides yourself to help support and guide you through the journeys you will go on. For me, my support system is far and wide. I called some people from home today, three to be exact, and it made me feel more at ease. Every single one of my friends from home has reminded me this week how lucky I am to have each and every one of them, and of course my mom and grandmother as well taught me today time heals everything and I will always have their support, especially in time. My grandmother is quitting smoking after 50 years, I think this shows her strong will and I know she can do it. And my mother was just full of support and so was my brother. I feel my heart growing through my chest as I put these letters to paper. Everyone from home is full of excitement and hope in me to do this, this being becoming a florist. I can hear the excitement and wonder in the voices of my support and it makes me feel I have made the right choice, in fact I know I have. All of my friends have seen me through my true ups and downs, because with friends you can just fall like butter in a microwave and they have a way of putting you in a refrigerator and not making you a stick again, but they do make you hard enough to face the world. So to know this is another adventure they support me in makes me have more of a appreciation for them. Today I ate at pita pit for the first time and it was quite good. I also made some asymmetrical arrangements and corsages. I walked around a few blocks from the hotel and explored. It is nice just being able to listen to my i-pod and walk around and look at all the neat things here in Portland. I like to just stop and look around to observe. I see lovers in embrace not wanting to let go, I see a group of friends talking and reminiscing of times past and present, and I see a man and a man holding hands. No one stares at them, or laughs, but they are somehow embraced in this community as a beautiful thing of love. There is no religion on each corner popping out to the sinners and saints. There are just people being people, letting each other live. I see men talking to homeless men trying to find their story and it just seems fascinating in this city there is such diversity and change. This is a place that many could come to search to find pieces of their soul that never excited and at least have some bit of change by the time they left. It reminds me of Prescott but on a broader stream with change and acceptance on every corner, you just have to keep a look out for it. This makes me think of the girl who gave the homeless girl a dollar for shelter. Maybe she was the change I saw on the corner that night. What was around the other corner? Was there a bigger changed that happened? What is around us that we are not seeing on a day to day basis? There must be lots as the world changes a little every day. Are you the person behind the corner with a dollar to spare? Are you possibly one of the nine to stubborn to help your fellow man? I ask you can you find change in yourself or can you recall a time you changed a little or spared a little. I know every day here is an adventure and has limited time, so its time for me to soak it all in and make some room for change.