poker face

i've been wearing a poker face for most ofmy life. i wear a poker face so no one knows that the weight bothers me and it always has. i'm looking at pictures of myself in horror. i miss being thin, i miss everyone saying " wow you look so beautiful" now the best i get is you look "good" i want that wow factor when i see a cute guy, you know the look in the eyes that makes your heart skip a beat. im truly tired of caring this weight and sorrow. so since the new year is almost a day away its time to make some promises,not resolutions. i promise to have this be the last year of hating myself behind closed doors. i promise to always put myself first, never last. i know i can do this it just takes all the heart and determination from with in...


happy new year, world here i come for the first time.

holidays...

the holidays came and went once again. i believe this christmams was one of the best ever on my moms side of things. my mom got everyone a really nice electronial gift which is always appreciated this time of the year. christmas eve with my moms side of the family is always my favorite. everyone gets along really well and everyone has a pretty good.

however dads side is a different story. i always have problems with my dads wife a.k.a. the devils whore. i know that sounds bad but we have had beef ever since she was brought into the family to many moons ago. she just loves to starts shit with every one she can...

as for today im just thinking about life and the people in it.

writting... bored at home

so while i sit here at home bored on a friday night i started writting... it wasnt really to any one but it turned out to be for my grandfather... here it goes xoxox gramps!


Come back to me
i want you to come back to me
my heart shattered to a million pieces
and poured out my eyes
in the hospital i awaited
to hear something
anything
my last time spent with you was not glorious
or beautiful
it was not a begging or an ending
it was "ill see you later"
never knowing when later was
i have missed you everyday for the last ten years
some days more than others
i want just ten more minutes with you
the day you passed i wanted to sit with you
no matter where you went
in heaven hell or in between
i wanted to be with you
it was hard to understand why you left
feeling lost and hopeless with out you
i wished we could go away somewhere
together
i wish i could feel you here
and look into your eyes one last time...