Five whole years. Five. Cinco. Five years since i last cut. For those unaware of "cutting" it is self mutilation, where you intentionally hurt yourself. It is almost hard to describe unless you have done it. For what ever reason it helps relieve pain, or i should say it did for me. For years i cut, to help myself feel. to release my pain from the inside out. As of Monday however, i am five years "sober" i guess you can call it, five years free of cutting. Many times when someone is a cutter, they will never quit. When talking to my therapist a few years back, he still had a client that was cutting. She was 42 years old. Though i was cutting at this point still in my life, that one sentence has always stuck with me. Being 42, this woman most likely had a husband and a family, and she was still taking out her emotional pain upon herself. The last day i cut was June 13, 2006. I was still at boarding school over in California. I was having some problems with the family and decided cutting was my best option to let go of the pain. It had been a few months since i had cut, so i went a little over board. Once i was done i looked down at my leg to check the damage, and all i saw was blood. I had to tell one of the counselors so i could get band aids and get the bleeding to stop. As one of the R.A.'s was helping me get cleaned up, she just kept shaking her head and asking me why. I couldn't form words, all i could do was cry. I couldn't believe i had set myself back again, just when i thought i was moving forward i took 20 steps backwards. When all of my friends at school found out about it, boy did i get ear fulls from all around. That night as i laid in bed, looking at the huge band aid's and ace bandage around my thigh, i had a vision, of me in my forties, with a few kids, hiding under long sleeve t-shirts and long pants in the summer. I did that for a few years and it was pure misery. As i cried in bed and wondered how i traveled down this road, and what brought me here. I realized the pain I had endured from my child hood, did not have to follow me into adult hood, or past this day. Tomorrow was a new start to a new day, and a new life. I no longer had to live with this embarrassment and addiction. So the next day, i decided to start taking things a day at a time. And here i am, 5 years later. Back then, if you would of told me i would of gone for 5 years without cutting, i would of said no fucking way. But yes, fucking way, i did it, it happened, and i am continuing on this path. It is just insane to see where i have come from. If i could write a letter to me or my past, i would have been able to tell myself, it is all worth it. All the pain, tears, and blood is worth the wait of happiness. What is my happiness you ask? My friends, family, my house, my business. It is in the eyes of my young nephew, the laugh of my friends, the love from my mother, the support of everyone, well almost everyone, around me. Happiness is waking up everyday in a pain free world, walking up to take that new day, leaving my past further and further behind me. I was told long ago, you can never forget your past, as it has made you who you are, but you never have to live in the past again. You can look back in the past for references, as long as you don't stay in the past. When i was younger, i could not see into the future, as i wished i didn't have one and that everyday was the day for me to leave this earth. Yes i know that sounds a little drawn out and over done, but that is the way i felt. And now i feel as though i have run a huge marathon race. In a way, i know i have. You don't just get to a five year mark without serious work. Still to this day, when i am really down and out, it will pop into my mind to just "cut". Then i look down at my memorial/anniversary tattoo and i think about the last few years and my growth and happiness, and i say fuck no. And i choose to never look back and never relive that part of my past. c'est-la-vie (it's the life) but i choose this life. After all, how can you regret or be upset with a life you choose? So here's to me, yes me, and five years going on five and a day.
