it always amazes me when your supposed to forget about someone and it seems the hardest task in the world. though many people tell you constantly that you need to let it go. but its truly hard, i truly want to let it go and let this person go but its just so hard to. it is so hard to put your heart into the open only to get ripped apart by piranas and handed back to you to put it back together. it just makes it harder to put it back out again, to any one... not just a person of interest but family and friends to. its such an ache and a pain. i just alway feel i put myself out there and get handed nothing. its funny to me though when people come and go in your life they all take little pieces of our heart with them, not sure what they do with them, but they do collect small pieces that you can never get back.


tonight its all about ani difranco

disapointments

yesterday was chalked full of disapointments. we had my dads birthday dinner and i felt horrible sick before going just knowing that my step mom always has to say something negative, and she did. its amazing though to me yesterday for once cathy said " oh u look like u shrank" though i know i havent she was just being overly nice which i hate, its like if you hate me, just hate me dont pretned that you give a shit, its just fake and i hate it. she also made some rude dating comments and yanked my dad away from me while i was talking to him... so overall pretty bad time for me. however i was waiting for someone to text me so we could talk and it never happened. i know they are busy but it still hurts.

in other better news i was talking to my best friend audrey and we realized we will be friends for 18 years in april. this is crazy to be, to know someone for this long, know everything about them, always be there for them. its just so crazy out of all the best friends in our "class" we definetly lasted the longest and still going on strong. i do love my best friend as i do all my friends, i just cant wrap my mind around 18 years, seems like its been a blink of an eye.

so yesterday was just a bit of a bump in my road however i woke up today remembering my worth and knowing that i am worth it, and i deserve only the best!!! that motherfucker will miss me more than i will him!!! adios, se la vie, hasta la vista baby!!!!! so yea i just thought you should know that i have picked myself back up and will contunue to rememer who i am, someone who should be waited for, not waiting!!!

trust

when do you start to trust someone? is it upon first meeting them, or taking to them? or is it when you start to get to know them? how do you trust someone when they do you wrong? can you truly ever forgive them? some way and some how i always find my trust being taken back from people. it's a heart pain tonight but non the less pain. it seems i always put to much out there and just get treated like shit. today i felt i was talked down to and mistreated. it seems i am always underappreciated. i know i should never be talked down to but when it happens, im to taken back by shock to truly say what i want to them. i just hate putting myself out there and then getting hurt. i know this what some call the process of life but it makes me so hesitant to put my self out there time and time again. im in a place of confusion. it was only five short years ago around this time that i tried to take my life. it still hits me as hard as it did the day after. i cant believe that i ever got so depressed that i tried to end my own life. how can one person hate life enough to just say good by? im just in a thinking mood tonight cause of what happened today but i know i will be strong and surely get over it... " your eyes have got to do some raining if your ever going to grow."

" the roast of our lives"

tonight at work jessica and i were talking about life, and how it is meant to be lived not followed. so we came up with an idea to make a list. however the list is not for life or what to do before we die, it has a time limit. that time limit starts now and goes till may 12, 2010. everything on our list has to be completed:

1. get a tattoo- jessica's task
2. kiss ***** ***** brooke's task
3. have coffee at cuppers- both hopefully together
4. get a pair of converse- brooke's task
5. take a day trip around arizona- both
6. play beer pong at brooke's house- both and everyone is invited
7. get monroe pierced- both
8. dress wild n crazy (lady gaga) and go out in public- both
9. buy a homeless person a meal.
10. watch teh sun rise and set- same day- some where other than our own living rooms-both
11. artist day- one day dedicated to art forms.

we just happened to start talking about life and decided it was time to get some things accomplished no matter what they were... i am most worried about number 2 of course... but also getting my monroe pierced because my mother will flip out!!1

so wish us luck as we embark on this four month journey!

picking up pieces

amazingly when i look back on my youth, i find i am still picking up the piece of that disaster. i was always very lost and in my own world. i believe what brought on my being lost in this world was my parents divorce. i was only five and it took a huge effect for many years. the aftermath of a divorce will take a toll on any kid at any age, however i feel this was a pretty crucial age for me and within a few years of the divorce both of my parents remarried. it is just amazing to me though the effects of my youth that still haunt me today. i find i somedays a struggle more than others to get out of bed and be myself. somedays i just want to suck back into that lost teenager. sometimes its brought on by people of my past or people of my present. i just feel as though i am constantly picking up pieces of my life to keep it together. as i am getting older my anxiety is getting worse. i am feeling anxious alot more than i used to. some days its going to class, the store, or to a friends house. i just cant put my finger on why yet but tryin to work out the pieces. i love this blue october song and the quote "It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time " i constantly have someones problems weighing on my heart. i am the kind of person that no matter how mean you maybe to me if there is ever an emergency, i am right there by your side. i know i should not care this much about everyone but it is something i cannot help. though nine times out of ten i get treated like shit, to me its the tenth person that counts.


Blue October
Picking up pieces

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my lifeline flowing through
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don't feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure, flawed
Yea, I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
No, it's not you, it's strictly me in this situation
But I'm wondering will it ever go away
Just go away, still

Chorus:
Sometimes I feel like weeping
Awake and when I'm sleeping
Perfecting how to put a game face on
And this puzzle I've been keeping
Has been in hiding, creeping
Out the closet door
Spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up the pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?

Listen, I'll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I'm getting more paranoid
Cuz I'm hearing things and they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It just feels so heavy all the time
I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living
Shit, I gave up on the past cuz it's unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watch my word begin to rust
I'm that balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving, still