Little red dress, how i love you...

I have confidence. Say it. Confidence. Can you say it? Can you fully let it roll off your tongue with a ring? Can you look at yourself in the mirror while saying it or do you have to whisper it to yourself in the corner? I can, I will, I did. Yes I did, I was able to look myself in the mirror and say I have confidence in you. When I left for Portland I wanted a change. I wanted to come back somewhat different. I like most realize I am not perfect; I have flaws that can sometimes take away from my life and happiness, only because I let them. I somehow wanted to come back with fewer flaws, it seems to be working. I bought a sexy, short, bright red dress which is something as a big girl, I have never done. It felt so good to slip it on in the dressing room, and have enough confidence to show my new friend how it looked. It fit like a glove and brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt as beautiful as I did trying that dress on. It is short and sassy, just like me. It’s a perfect match for me and my new confidence. How do you gain confidence away from home you ask? Simple… get thrown into the unknown and you will be simply amazing at what you are capable outside of your comfort zone. I am someone who will sit in on a Saturday night because I am not comfortable with my body. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love to go out, but when you are the only “big” girl in your group, you are the one that never gets hit on. You are the one who gets made fun of while you walk past a group of guys. So when this happens, it forces me to stay home, in my comfort zone. However the comfort zone is not as fun as it should be. While you just sit there, watching t.v. all by yourself, your friends are out having the time of their lives which is right where you should be, in the middle of the dance floor laughing it up with your best buds. Instead you continue weekend after weekend to sit on the couch and wallow in sorrow and weep with the willows. So since I came to Portland I decided every day I would wear makeup, earrings, and cute matching outfits. This may not seem like a challenge or a revelation to some of you but shit, when you don’t want to be seen by the world some days; this is the biggest challenge in the world. With this challenge, you are asking people in. You are asking to be seem by society, to hear the good and bad remarks. .. You are asking for the world to notice you as a big and beautiful women, you are asking to be seen with confidence, when you have very little. Because all too often I let societies take it from me. I let that group of dick heads take it from me. So since I have been here, though it has been challenging, I have done it. I wake up dreading school as always but I get up, get dressed, put on makeup, and grab a great pear of earrings. I walk down stairs into the lobby, grab my coffee and a bagel and start my day out with a smile. I walk seven blocks plus to get to school and one of my new friends will come pick me up most of the time which is a nice break in the rain. As I wait for my ride to arrive, I like to watch people and everything around me. I used to freak out and think “ omg what are they staring at? Are they talking about me? Was that laugh directed towards me?” Now I just simply stare and wonder about other people, not making judgments, just wondering. I just wonder now because I have no doubts that I look great and I don’t have to let my negative thoughts consume my morning and my day. Yes I am a big women, who would love to be skinny, but I didn’t gain all this weight in one day, it sure as hell is not going to come off in one. But when it does, I know there are a million other red dress stories waiting for me.