good thinking song about actions

Please accept my apologies, I wonder what would have been.
Would you have been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes.
I paid for the murder before they determined the sex,
choosing our life over your life meant your death.
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes,
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life.
Would you have been a little genius? In love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
Would you have been a little rapper like your poppa The Piper?
Would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skin tone and shape of your nose,
and the way you would've laughed and talked fast or slow.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.


Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake


I got a million excuses, as to why you died.
And other people got their own reasons for homicide.
Who's to say it would've worked and who's to say it wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad.
The fear of being my father has never disappeared,
I ponder it frequently while I'm sippin' on my beer.
My vision of a family was artificial and fake
so when it came time to create, I made a mistake.
But now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you.
Maybe you really forgave us knowing we were confused.
Maybe, every time that he smiles it's you proudly knowing
that your father's doing the right thing now.
I'll never tell a woman what to do with her body,
but if she don't love children, then we can't party.
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen.
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been.


Happy Birthday
What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake


And from the Heavens to the womb to the Heavens again.
From the ending to the ending, never got to begin.
Maybe one day we can meet face to face,
in a place without time and space. Happy birthday.

What I thought was a dream
Make a wish
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

cant even find the words

i feel so horrible for my friends in time of need. for those who believe in him, how do they look to god, when he takes the life of a child? how do people still believe in god after such a tragety? why does he get to choose who gets to keep thier child and who doesnt? yes, some could say it was god's will, there was a better plan, but then you see the lady in the supermarket beating the living shit out of her child what is the plan for that child? or the father who molests his daughters, why is that god's will. why are these people given the gift of children? this is why i have always questioned god. why does he let good people suffer? people always say things happen for a reason, what is the reason for losing a child? what explanation is good enough for that? i guess i just don't get why "god" takes people to "heavon" early? i hate when people say well god needed them more than we did... what happens to the child who still needs a mother or father? what happened to the people closest to that person needing them? when a father kills himself leaving two daughters with no father to walk them down the aisle? how the hell is that fair to the people left behind? all of this is coming out of anger for my friend who deseves another child, to have a ruptured ectopic pregnancy a.k.a. miscarrage, more or less forced. please can some one tell me what the hell she did to deserve that? in my eyes, godless eyes, nothing.

regrets

today im full of regrets... why didnt i just say no. my emotions are on high and my spirits are on low. the pain i felt came rushing back like a bolt of lightning to the heart i got jumpstated in the moment, of what i used to love and miss. why can i miss you and love you so much without a second glance from you. you didnt know or see what i went though, you dont know how it feels. im speechless and full of things to say.i went through one of the most painful expiriences of my life thanks to you. it is amazing that you could not even have a hint of what i have gone though because of you and for you. though i cannot hold this against you i wish i could. im foolish

poker face

i've been wearing a poker face for most ofmy life. i wear a poker face so no one knows that the weight bothers me and it always has. i'm looking at pictures of myself in horror. i miss being thin, i miss everyone saying " wow you look so beautiful" now the best i get is you look "good" i want that wow factor when i see a cute guy, you know the look in the eyes that makes your heart skip a beat. im truly tired of caring this weight and sorrow. so since the new year is almost a day away its time to make some promises,not resolutions. i promise to have this be the last year of hating myself behind closed doors. i promise to always put myself first, never last. i know i can do this it just takes all the heart and determination from with in...


happy new year, world here i come for the first time.

holidays...

the holidays came and went once again. i believe this christmams was one of the best ever on my moms side of things. my mom got everyone a really nice electronial gift which is always appreciated this time of the year. christmas eve with my moms side of the family is always my favorite. everyone gets along really well and everyone has a pretty good.

however dads side is a different story. i always have problems with my dads wife a.k.a. the devils whore. i know that sounds bad but we have had beef ever since she was brought into the family to many moons ago. she just loves to starts shit with every one she can...

as for today im just thinking about life and the people in it.

writting... bored at home

so while i sit here at home bored on a friday night i started writting... it wasnt really to any one but it turned out to be for my grandfather... here it goes xoxox gramps!


Come back to me
i want you to come back to me
my heart shattered to a million pieces
and poured out my eyes
in the hospital i awaited
to hear something
anything
my last time spent with you was not glorious
or beautiful
it was not a begging or an ending
it was "ill see you later"
never knowing when later was
i have missed you everyday for the last ten years
some days more than others
i want just ten more minutes with you
the day you passed i wanted to sit with you
no matter where you went
in heaven hell or in between
i wanted to be with you
it was hard to understand why you left
feeling lost and hopeless with out you
i wished we could go away somewhere
together
i wish i could feel you here
and look into your eyes one last time...

thanksgiving....

For the most part thanksgiving went on without a hitch this year... except for the stepmom part...

Dinner at my mommies was lovely! She and my stepfather are amazing cooks! There was so much food to eat and great pies that my sister and i made... they were quiet decent!

Its the time of year to remember all of the things that we are greatful for... I am greatful for all of my family, friends, my job(sometimes!) some of the more material things i am great full for is my i-pod and car! i know i cannot live without either of them.

But amazingly at these times i am most great full for the people that surround me. Every person i have in my life is there for a reason i believe. I always love to reflect on how special every one person is because everyone means something different to me. So in conclusion i guess i am just thankful, great full, and happy!

on another note of being great full i have switched my degree and know exactly what i plan to do with my life!