If i ever leave this world alive...

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be alright
Flogging Molly's "If i ever leave this world alive."

It is nearing the anniversary of my grandfather Walt's death. I miss him every day. When hank and danielle got married there was a yellow butterfly that hung in a bush for the entire ceremony. I knew it was him. When i came home the very next day i saw the same butterfly with the yellow wings and blue spots at the bottom and the black in the middle. I saw this butterfly every day in the summer time. Right around ten thirty- eleven o'clock every morning i would walk out side and he would fly by. It is still hard to know he is gone. I always imagine how he would think of me now. He always called my grandpa's girl. Easter is his favorite holiday. It makes me sad i only got so few with him. But i know he is up there... and down here.

I love you grandpa... Always and Forever...

Grandpa's girl

xoxoxo

life?

yea so i have found out how much men suck in this town. well all over right now. i think i am just bored of this town. its just so small and i'm feeling clostrophobic here. its kind of suffocating here. and school is just getting really hard this semester. its just whatever.

beautiful

. . . that is the only way to describe a new life... one is on the way. Madelyn sara is due to be born april 12, 2009 easter sunday. Audreys shower was amazing. she looked so cute and defninetly has a good start to parenting her new child. it was lovely to see all my friends and socialize for a day out of prescott.

tomarro starts normal life again... boo

baby shower

this is the weekend of my friend audrey's baby shower. it is so interesting to me to see how your friends in life grow into their womanhood or motherhood. i am so excited for audrey. i know she will be an amazing mother. i have known her since we were 4 and to see her go through this is an amazing experience. it will be interesting to see who gets married next or has a baby. . .

for me right now though its not the right time to have a baby or get married (plus you have to atleast have a boy friend first!)

so for me its just living life to the fullest... cause you never know when its over!

chow for now!

lips of an angel

it is so wierd to think back about all the people who have come in and out of our lives. weither it was guys or girls. its so wierd tho think back about the memories that you shared. i am just in such a thinking mood right now i dont know why.

on another note for some reason i am missisng some of those people. and i am missing some of my family members. like my grandfather... i miss him alot more than i ever thought possible. he died when i was younger so i never thought i would ever really be able to miss him but i truly do. and i miss my brother, no hes still alive but i just think we are getting closer and then i never get to see him any more with our scheduals. its just kind of wierd. you usually arent close with your siblings when you are younger but as you get older its wierd to feel that you miss them even if they are in the same town....

today

i get to go to work... thats the glory of working retail i guess.

last night i had fun thought. Carlos, Carlotta, Crystal,Angie, and myself went to texas road house and then went bowling. it was lotta and carlos's first time but it was a blast. i just really wish i didnt have to work today...

boys, guys, men...

why is it girls are always left hurt. no matter how much they say they wont or that they are different, they just aren't. this is a bit from the book i am writting.

I always give them some part of me. We give one part of ourselves to everyone. Weather it be a part of our past, our present, or our future. If seems we are always giving and losing. However if we are giving, this means that we are receiving a part of some one else, as they are losing to us. It is just one big cycle that we need to understand that as much as we give away and loose, we are always gaining and receiving. Bits and pieces of one another. Male or female, boyfriend of girlfriend, what ever. We are always willing to give and receive bits and pieces of one another. The things I gave and shared with Joe are between he and I. Sure I can tell you all about how much we shared and cared, but you will never feel it the way that Joe and I do and did. Knowing so much about another can be scary, but it can help them and you get to know them. It will help you understand each other and yourself as a person. I guess it’s the same with annonomus. Only he and I know what we shared and what we felt, what I felt. I can truly never know if he meant what he said when he said he loved me or when he said he didn’t care about me. We will never know how we may have impacted the other person. We can only hope it was all in the right ways. They will never know how much the effected us. But what I do know is how you can express your feelings to one another and how you have changed each other. With each person that leaves your life, they let room in for some one else to come in that you are supposed to met at this point in your life. To carry you to the next point in your life. Joe helped me close a huge chapter in my life. He helped me reflect on my time at AOS. He helped me shake Peter. And he helped me stay sober. However the best thing he did was show me how to cope with a break up. The first heart break I experienced I was able to drink, smoke, pill pop, and almost chop my leg off. This time though I had to actually let myself feel the pain of love. I had to experience the pain of losing another and self soothing.

for some reason i started thinking about my relationship with joe when a friend had told me what happened to her today. i remember reflecting on it to write my book. but i do think this blurb is true. we do give pieces of ourselves to people no matter the circumstance or relationships.

just something to chew on for the moment.