good guys finish last...

over the last few months i have realized that good guys finish last...i pushed my " good" guy away. i thought i had more options, with the bad boy, the hot boy, and the ex/blast from the past. though only months later none of these boys matter and there is still that nice guy, just waiting for me to say when, where, and what time. i found myself pondering about this boy, guy and or man for months. when i was trying to hold onto something that was dead from the day it started. i was holding on to the situation where the nice, nieve girl was going to finish dead last... and i did. once you finish last it is hard to trust again. with every person you get to know it seems you give a little piece of your heart, even if its friendship. so when you loose that friendship or relationship it makes it hard to try again... but im trying. for me its like climbing a mountain, but im atleast on the trail and im atleast going to give it a try... after all the kiss was simple, sweet, and given from the first gentlemen i have known in my adult life... yeah the first but i suppose that is expected i am only in my twenties. there could be many more fish in the sea or i could be hooked... only tomarro can tell but today was a gift. im happy that my wondering led to the trail on a mountain, it seems we only get a few of these days to set us on new paths. but it was my own will, not gods will for me to just wonder and be me... thats all i have and for me, thats big.

voices, pieces, monsters.

When you meet someone for the first time, sometimes you will remeber it. When you meet your best friend you remember most of the details.When you meet the love of your life you remember ever second of it. All day those seconds of every memory we had ever made have been running through me head, like a never ending nightmare. on and off, off and on, with no end in sight, im waiting for the boat to see the harbor but there is no lighthouse to light my way. our love seemed like a dream, now tarnished by your decisions and actions. my heart breaks into a million pieces to see the monster you have become, you are the trusest of the true when it comes to monsters.you have become ugly overnight to me when i used to think you were beautiful. you are souless and sour, when your spirit used to run through me with such a sweetness. was i just to blinded by love to see your ugly side, your true side? as sickend as i have become with you, i am also sadened to lose you, though i dont know why or how i should or could be sad for you in this situation. im shaking with rage, im cryin with fury, and altogether just lost... your a monster, im a million pieces, and life is frozen to me.

Im going to be an AUNT!!!!

About three weeks ago hank and danielle told me they were pregnat with my first niece or nephew... im leaning twords niece but won't know till june! I was over joyed when they told me. I was almost in dis-belief. I first thought they were joking but they are 100% serious. I could not be happier that they are going to have a baby. I know they will be amazing parents. They are such kind and caring people that i know my neice or nephew will adore them! I cannot wait to see what an amazing life the little peach grows into... since the baby is a size of a peach in just a few days! What more can i say, Aunt Brooke aka ab is ready to meet baby hampton already and is counting down the days till november!!!! 197 days or close to depending if she or he decides to come november 18!!!!

speak to me...

somedays i miss you so much. i had the most visual dream about my grandpa last night. i wonder if it will ever be the last. i found my self in a completly dark room. then a dim light appeared. as i walked to the dim light, it got brighter and brighter. as i got to the light, there was my grandpa. with his face so happy and comforting. i started to cry to say how much i missed him and how much i loved him. with tears rolling down my face he said " its ok, im ok, everything will be ok" all i could say was how much i missed and loved him, i just wanted to talk to him so bad and i knew that i would never be able to ever again. he then told me " it will be ok" as the light went out with a big flash, all i saw was a yellow butterfly leave and that was the end of my dream. i have never drempt of my grandpa but this was the most serreal dream i have ever had, i felt he was there, in the room with me. its so wierd because of the things going on in my life and him saying it will be ok, just blows my mind. though it is reasurring things that are bad right now will get better, i felt like his spirit had heard me last night when i wanted to talk to him so bad just wishing i would have just ten more minutes with him. maybe that was my last ten minutes with him? maybe it was just my hopes getting the best of me. but it has truly affected me today. the only thing i want more in this world is to have ten last minutes with him.

leaving

Im in a mood, a mood that can pull me under, if i let it get away from me it soon will... i just need to get it all out.

Sometimes i want so badely to watch you suffer, they way i have and always suffer in your pesence. Not once is there a look or shread of decency sent my way. So ready to shed the skin and this world. Never had i wanted to be so alone and surrounded. Everyone and everything demand perfection from someone who gives no perfection, never saw it in my contract, and dont understand it. No one is perfect, however i contstantly feel i let people down, when i just want to be left alone, go away, leave. But then im backlashed with why? depressed much? and hermit... just go.

change

It is always interesting when your group of friends has a huge change in mindset. Mine is now having a change in the way we think of men. At first it seems like we all met ok guys. Just your average male, not to much special about them, but enough to give each of us butterflys. Only to realize a few weeks to a few months later that these men, men we put on pedistools, don't deserve the butterflys or pedistools. In fact they deserve to be droped from those stools and beaten severly. It is funny what a little crush can do to a woman. Sometimes it gives a soft glow, and sometimes it messes with your brain till you can't think any more. Well we all had blinders on and kept making excuses for the good we saw in these men. Only to truly find there was no good in these men. We all deserve someone to worship the ground we walk on. Why should we settle for these "average" men. Well truth be told no one out there, no woman, should have to settle for average. We should be taking an interest in the men who would climb mountains just to see us. Not men that expect to be waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong, we are still hurt by these average men by being the ones to wait on them, give up more for them than they would for us. But these average men only make us stonger to fight for the ones that we deserve and the ones who deserve us. We are now all ready to drop those averages to the curbs and we are ready to wait, search, or stumble upon those a + men that are hiding behind the averages shadows.



Red Jumpsuit Apparatus : Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

drained.

I am writting tonight completly drained yet im not ready to say good night. my morning was rough as well as my night last night. in total i got about 45 minutes of sleep. i was so nervous to talk to my mom about the lap band but when it came down to it i could barely talk. all i did was start crying and there was no turning back then. so while sitting in my moms car spilling my guts on how i felt, i started to feel better though i still cant quit crying.yes i have my mothers support but it is still going to be a long and tough journey knowing where i could be a year from now. then one of my besties called. her name is calie and we met when i was 8 years old, she lived across the street from my dad and we have been inseperable since. we had a long talk today about best friends and what they mean to us, the ones who give us the most heart and more. the ones who never judge us, when a normal person should. the ones who just listen and love you for who you are. my friends help keep me stong when i feel i cant move, the motivate and inspire me to live life to the fullest and live everyday like its my last. i love them all to death and forever!