Feel.Anxiety.Pain

cut.blood.feel. I used to have to cut and see the blood to feel real. To feel anything. Now i feel everything so intensly. How did i used to be so numb to the world, did i finally wake up? Did i finally become a part of the world? When ever there is drama i feel it, the guilt, the shame, the pain. I also realize how anxiety feels. I used to think anxiety was normal. Im slowly learning it is not normal to always feel anxious and not be able to calm down. Never knowing when it is going to hit is the hardest part. Sometimes it is walking into a school building, others when walking in my own home. I feel there will never be a cure, as i feel a spat of anxiety coming on now.

No Regrets

Some people say they have no regrets, some say they have regrets, some live with regrets, and others do not. Who is to say that we should or should not have them. Some can look back at thier regrets with sadness, others happiness. Someone reminded me tonight that what i thought was a regret, really isn't. "when you can put your feelings aside and look beyond what you want and go with what you need, thats when you start taking care of yourself and make your life better for you and no one else. no regrets ever. everything happens for a reason. we might not see the reason at the time but we all do eventually" is what he said to me. This is how i need to start thinking when trying to get over someone or when things dont work out the way i intended them to or invisioned them to. I always learn from them and i always will have no regrets. With them, how would i have lived my life... I cannot regret what has made me well me.

good guys finish last...

over the last few months i have realized that good guys finish last...i pushed my " good" guy away. i thought i had more options, with the bad boy, the hot boy, and the ex/blast from the past. though only months later none of these boys matter and there is still that nice guy, just waiting for me to say when, where, and what time. i found myself pondering about this boy, guy and or man for months. when i was trying to hold onto something that was dead from the day it started. i was holding on to the situation where the nice, nieve girl was going to finish dead last... and i did. once you finish last it is hard to trust again. with every person you get to know it seems you give a little piece of your heart, even if its friendship. so when you loose that friendship or relationship it makes it hard to try again... but im trying. for me its like climbing a mountain, but im atleast on the trail and im atleast going to give it a try... after all the kiss was simple, sweet, and given from the first gentlemen i have known in my adult life... yeah the first but i suppose that is expected i am only in my twenties. there could be many more fish in the sea or i could be hooked... only tomarro can tell but today was a gift. im happy that my wondering led to the trail on a mountain, it seems we only get a few of these days to set us on new paths. but it was my own will, not gods will for me to just wonder and be me... thats all i have and for me, thats big.

voices, pieces, monsters.

When you meet someone for the first time, sometimes you will remeber it. When you meet your best friend you remember most of the details.When you meet the love of your life you remember ever second of it. All day those seconds of every memory we had ever made have been running through me head, like a never ending nightmare. on and off, off and on, with no end in sight, im waiting for the boat to see the harbor but there is no lighthouse to light my way. our love seemed like a dream, now tarnished by your decisions and actions. my heart breaks into a million pieces to see the monster you have become, you are the trusest of the true when it comes to monsters.you have become ugly overnight to me when i used to think you were beautiful. you are souless and sour, when your spirit used to run through me with such a sweetness. was i just to blinded by love to see your ugly side, your true side? as sickend as i have become with you, i am also sadened to lose you, though i dont know why or how i should or could be sad for you in this situation. im shaking with rage, im cryin with fury, and altogether just lost... your a monster, im a million pieces, and life is frozen to me.

Im going to be an AUNT!!!!

About three weeks ago hank and danielle told me they were pregnat with my first niece or nephew... im leaning twords niece but won't know till june! I was over joyed when they told me. I was almost in dis-belief. I first thought they were joking but they are 100% serious. I could not be happier that they are going to have a baby. I know they will be amazing parents. They are such kind and caring people that i know my neice or nephew will adore them! I cannot wait to see what an amazing life the little peach grows into... since the baby is a size of a peach in just a few days! What more can i say, Aunt Brooke aka ab is ready to meet baby hampton already and is counting down the days till november!!!! 197 days or close to depending if she or he decides to come november 18!!!!

speak to me...

somedays i miss you so much. i had the most visual dream about my grandpa last night. i wonder if it will ever be the last. i found my self in a completly dark room. then a dim light appeared. as i walked to the dim light, it got brighter and brighter. as i got to the light, there was my grandpa. with his face so happy and comforting. i started to cry to say how much i missed him and how much i loved him. with tears rolling down my face he said " its ok, im ok, everything will be ok" all i could say was how much i missed and loved him, i just wanted to talk to him so bad and i knew that i would never be able to ever again. he then told me " it will be ok" as the light went out with a big flash, all i saw was a yellow butterfly leave and that was the end of my dream. i have never drempt of my grandpa but this was the most serreal dream i have ever had, i felt he was there, in the room with me. its so wierd because of the things going on in my life and him saying it will be ok, just blows my mind. though it is reasurring things that are bad right now will get better, i felt like his spirit had heard me last night when i wanted to talk to him so bad just wishing i would have just ten more minutes with him. maybe that was my last ten minutes with him? maybe it was just my hopes getting the best of me. but it has truly affected me today. the only thing i want more in this world is to have ten last minutes with him.

leaving

Im in a mood, a mood that can pull me under, if i let it get away from me it soon will... i just need to get it all out.

Sometimes i want so badely to watch you suffer, they way i have and always suffer in your pesence. Not once is there a look or shread of decency sent my way. So ready to shed the skin and this world. Never had i wanted to be so alone and surrounded. Everyone and everything demand perfection from someone who gives no perfection, never saw it in my contract, and dont understand it. No one is perfect, however i contstantly feel i let people down, when i just want to be left alone, go away, leave. But then im backlashed with why? depressed much? and hermit... just go.