Looking into the rear view....

I am a leaf blowing in the wind. I am a spark in the fire. I am a drop of water in the ocean. I'm lost but found. I am strong but i am weak. I do not understand this world as of late, or life as of now. I am sure everyone at some point in their life takes a look in the mirror one day and just says what the fuck. Weather it be the choices made so far, questionably healthy or unhealthy choices or changes, unchangeable situations. This is where I stand, looking in the mirror. Constant questions of why and where do I want to go from here. I do not question why I have been brought here. I do not question why I have the past that I have.From time to time I let the anger and rage take hold and consume me. Though many of the circumstances were out of my control there is a rage and madness that flows through my veins, sometimes triggered by words or flashbacks of memories from a time long ago. Yes, from time to time I beg the questions of why, who, and what I could or would change in the past. Not a fucking thing. Its my past and I believe no one else could of survived it the way I have. Don't get me wrong, I have had a fair share of ups and downs in my past, However my past comes with a lot of darkness that has been hard to forgive. I believe that even my darkest moment has made me more patient, kind, forgiving, and most of all empathetic to those who surround me. I have finally forgiven my darkest moment. I am finally ready to let it go. I realized a few weeks ago how long I had held on to the pain of this moment, this person that plagued me,a innocent life lost, and how upset I was with myself for not being strong enough. I know I had not been ready to face it emotionally for some time, years. Upon bringing this to light I have felt a certain sense of accomplishment, forgiving the unthinkable. Just when I thought I could never let go, I did. I know the spirit lost would be proud to read this, to know I made it. The last of the moments in the rear view to let go of. All is forgiven, all is laid to rest. I am finally free to look to the future.

Life is short...

Life is sweet. Life is what we make of it. It is easy to forget in our day to day lives what is truly important to us. It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and we truly forget to take even five minutes a day to our selves or to smell the roses. I am currently sitting in a room in Kona Hawaii with what has been some of the best days of my life. Not because they were extraordinary or extreme, but because they have been simple. We wake up when ever, drink coffee, talk, get food, go to the beach, get dinner, and snack in between. And in between those moments are the most beautiful because of my nephew Henry. It is so easy to forget to look at the world as a child does. It is the simple things that blow their minds, where did we lose this? Weather it be playing with sand, eating gurt " yogurt", or playing with a flash light in the back of the car. It is the simple moments in life to me that mean the most. Every time I hear " Auntie B" or "Book" or anything among the lines of aunt, b, or Brooke, it truly melts my heart. I love being an Aunt, I can only imagine what it is like to be a mother. So take five minutes right now and find something, anything, to be thankful for. Take five minutes to reflect or breath. Just take time every day for yourself, It will make all the difference.

At some point in everyone's life, we start to find ourselves. This is my time. I have recently started to work out and take charge of my life. As soon as I started that, everything else just started to fall into place. I am not sure if I have ever been in such a good place, I mean its unreal to me that in 23 years of living, I am just now starting to feel it and feel great. It seems like everything is falling in or out of place. When I say out of place I mean friends and family that bring me down, or shall I say used to. It hurts to find out so many things about people you love and care about. When I was younger, I always thought that I should hold on to every friendship I ever made, Now I realize to hold on to the one's that hold back. Yes, it is impossible for me to talk to all of my friends every day, or week, or month. But when we do talk, It's like we never skipped a moment. I have realized I can only have people in my life who fully support me, no matter what. I am finding myself as a young adult and finally finding who I am, who I am not, but who I'm going to be, and well that is me!

" on their way"

"I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could."Everyone now a days wants the one. When is the one coming? I'm sorry I can't sleep with you, Im waiting for the one. One thing about the one, they are on thier way. They are on their way. Sure, I bet your exhausted from waiting, and you and i may have to wait a little long, but they are on their way, as fast as they can get here. So for now, atleast me, I'm running to get there, and on my way, i am bettering myself for my love. Sure call this post as cheesy as they come, but if you are coming from where I am, your tired of coming home to an empty house, spending all of your free time alone and watching what seems like to be everyone in your life getting married or having kids, or falling back in love, hell all three. It seems that helping better myself may speed up this waiting time for me. That's how i feel, im always waiting for that glance to make my heart stop from that special one. So for now, I can rest easy knowing that special one, is on their way.

Day 1...

The time on the wall said 6:20... My legs on the treadmill were burning... And I had been on it for three whole minutes... Yea i know three whole minutes. Some of you may gauche at this, others feel sympathy, For me i feel saddened, angered, and pissed off. How have i let myself come to this point, the point of being tired after three minutes of walking.. Not running but a simple walk at 3.0. Now some may have given up at that 3 minutes of pure misery. Some would have just kept going, at a slower pace. Me, well i decided to nut up or shut up and put that treadmill on a 4.5 incline. Yea, thats how i roll. And i did increments of incline and higher speed for 45 minutes. I had to push, push, push myself to finish. Today was the first day i worked out in over three years, yea three whole years, 1095 days, or more, without pushing myself to exercise. How did i feel you may ask, frankly like shit. Its funny, when i was younger and wanting to loose weight, it was a huge thing. I would plan out my start date, and it would be this huge deal where i would throw myself into shock, by not eating any sugar or easing myself into it. I would just go balls to the wall and then hit a wall and inevitably give up. As i was around ten minutes on treadmill this thought popped into my head " This is the first workout of the rest of my life". Every work out from here on out will be easier than the last. When i woke up the morning, I had no idea that i would be going to the gym, signing up, and then working out. I know a lot of people that go to the gym, sign up, then go home... Um hello? Did you just throw 50 bucks out the window? By going home instead of starting your workout, your new life in that moment, your not going to start any thing but giving away your money every month for no reason. You may as well just take your money and put it in the trash because it would be better spend there than on empty promises to yourself. Today was just a random thursday that I woke up thinking i would do just the same thing as yesterday. Today was different because I did not amp myself up that " today is the day i change my life, loose my weight, and solve all of my issues". Today was the day I woke up and decided that today was day one. Tomorrow is day two. Saturday will be day three. There will be mess up's, there will be down days, but there will also be a lot of awesome days, a lot of first's, a lot of i told you so... Today I felt moved and ready, and in that moment, I let go of all the if's, what's, and but's. Done. I have one day down, so ready to meet day two. So cheers to day 2.

A letter for my brother...

As i sit here on the eve of what was the hardest day in my life, i am left with thoughts. Some of them good, some bad, some just wondering. As i let my thoughts wonder, searching for answers, i came across this, " He's the guy who's always there for you. Whenever things go wrong, he'll give you a hand to help you through. And lend your heart a song. He's the guy who's also there for you whenever things go right. To say "Well done! and " Good for you" " i knew you'd be alright" He's the guy you've fought with, stuck up for. A friend that's like no other. A guy that's this and so much more. This guy is called a brother." And there is no one like him in this world. He is a one of a kind. In a song that i adore, there is this line about a brother "Believe you can shine when you're silver, And I promise you gold; I promise you gold" Today my brother has taught me this is true. He has assured me it is ok to be myself, not to regret it. I can't leave out my sis in law, she has been behind my brother this entire time cheering me on. I guess what it all boils down to is this: I am lucky, however i am more chance, as it was chance that brought me to my brother, not luck. My favorite quote on my favorite piece of art work i will ever own states " Brother and sister by chance, friends forever by choice." I love my change and my choice and I love my Brother.

I'm off on an adventure...

Imagine if you will, going down a dirt road, parking the car, and walking out of the " world" walking away from cell phones and cars. As you walk down the mountain you are surrounded by peace and quiet, most of all beauty. Sedona red rocks, beautiful mountains, and amazing friends. As you near the vegetation below, you can hear the water running. As you pass through the brush and broken trees, you are taken away to a place of serenity. There is a plot of rocks, in the middle of a stream of water. This was my Saturday. It was spent tucked away from the world, my own piece of heaven. Me and three of my best friend went on an adventure, to be lost. When we arrived down to the water, i was taken away from the stress of life. It was like, nothing else existed in that moment, just my friends and I. This place we found was secluded but perfect. There was a cut out of rocks for us to lay on, and a deeper hole for us to swim in. We spent a total of 4 hours out there, and it felt like days. Just pure quiet and running water. The sun seemed to heal us all. With all the hustle and bustle of life, the sun just seemed to set us all free. It was fun talking and laughing, then we would go through 30 or more minutes of not talking, just reflecting. I am not one for hiking usually, and i loved this place... I cannot wait to go back. I feel like a healed soul brought back to life.