Sometimes i wish...

There was a boy to hold my hand in public. Sometimes i wish there was a boy to wipe my tears from my checks. I sometimes wish there was a boy period in my life to care and love me when i feel the most vulnerable and lonely. On a daily basis i see women that don't deserve love, yet they have a faithful man to stay by their side. They have men to tell them they look beautiful when they feel ugly. They have a man to show them passion and comfort when they need it the most. I do not know why i feel the need to have a man around to fulfill these things. I have a great single life, but i find it's when i am completely alone that i feel the most lonely( meaning no one in the house, and no plans for the night.) Like tonight for instance, I got off work early and came home to a empty house with nothing good on t.v. to watch. Its those times i wish i had some one to talk to or hang out with other than friends. Someone i could have a emotional connection with, someone who will be there for the boring Saturday night's. To me, there are many women who take this for granted. Many women don't realize what they have till its gone, or they go out searching for greater things. Truly there shouldn't be anyone greater for you then what you have, unless they beat or abuse you then by all means there is something better in the sea. But why do many women cheat on what is so great already in their life? Why do they feel the need for more? Why are they not the one's on the couch, alone and cold on a boring Saturday night? Though i am 22 i am surely giving up. I know I'm not that old i have time, but i don't want time. I don't go out often and i don't party often, im at home alone and im tired of being home alone. I just wonder will it happen? will i find love? At this point im just giving up and waiting to be saved by some hunk. I also wonder if i will ever find anyone as good as my ex. The way he made me feel, the way i laughed. Will i laugh like that again, and feel that way again. Beautiful just the way i am? Or stuck and giving up in a hopeless sea.

In just a few short hours i will be turning 22. I must say it is not as much fun as last year was but still pretty ok, for now. This was a pretty mind blowing year. All the excitement of being a 21 year old girl, being able to have real girls nights, going to vegas, and being able to go into a bar, legally, was awesome. I found out what heart break was again, that was not so much fun. I found out that i was going to be an aunt which was exciting and overwhelming. I can't wait to say this is my nephew Henry, the fourth, my nephew! I feel i have grown this year, as in every year before.When my mom called me today she told me that she was 22 when she married my dad. This blows my mind, i cant imagine being ready to commit to someone at such a young age. I feel i'm still finding myself in this world. i still wonder what im going to do when i grow up. I want to open a bakery but who knows. I still remember when i was a kid wondering where i would be in my 20's and what i would be doing. I figured i would be somewhere great doing something amazing. But im still in the same ole town doing the same ole thing. As for my last day as 21, i am going to study, have a drink, and go to bed, early for a change!

Feel.Anxiety.Pain

cut.blood.feel. I used to have to cut and see the blood to feel real. To feel anything. Now i feel everything so intensly. How did i used to be so numb to the world, did i finally wake up? Did i finally become a part of the world? When ever there is drama i feel it, the guilt, the shame, the pain. I also realize how anxiety feels. I used to think anxiety was normal. Im slowly learning it is not normal to always feel anxious and not be able to calm down. Never knowing when it is going to hit is the hardest part. Sometimes it is walking into a school building, others when walking in my own home. I feel there will never be a cure, as i feel a spat of anxiety coming on now.

No Regrets

Some people say they have no regrets, some say they have regrets, some live with regrets, and others do not. Who is to say that we should or should not have them. Some can look back at thier regrets with sadness, others happiness. Someone reminded me tonight that what i thought was a regret, really isn't. "when you can put your feelings aside and look beyond what you want and go with what you need, thats when you start taking care of yourself and make your life better for you and no one else. no regrets ever. everything happens for a reason. we might not see the reason at the time but we all do eventually" is what he said to me. This is how i need to start thinking when trying to get over someone or when things dont work out the way i intended them to or invisioned them to. I always learn from them and i always will have no regrets. With them, how would i have lived my life... I cannot regret what has made me well me.

good guys finish last...

over the last few months i have realized that good guys finish last...i pushed my " good" guy away. i thought i had more options, with the bad boy, the hot boy, and the ex/blast from the past. though only months later none of these boys matter and there is still that nice guy, just waiting for me to say when, where, and what time. i found myself pondering about this boy, guy and or man for months. when i was trying to hold onto something that was dead from the day it started. i was holding on to the situation where the nice, nieve girl was going to finish dead last... and i did. once you finish last it is hard to trust again. with every person you get to know it seems you give a little piece of your heart, even if its friendship. so when you loose that friendship or relationship it makes it hard to try again... but im trying. for me its like climbing a mountain, but im atleast on the trail and im atleast going to give it a try... after all the kiss was simple, sweet, and given from the first gentlemen i have known in my adult life... yeah the first but i suppose that is expected i am only in my twenties. there could be many more fish in the sea or i could be hooked... only tomarro can tell but today was a gift. im happy that my wondering led to the trail on a mountain, it seems we only get a few of these days to set us on new paths. but it was my own will, not gods will for me to just wonder and be me... thats all i have and for me, thats big.

voices, pieces, monsters.

When you meet someone for the first time, sometimes you will remeber it. When you meet your best friend you remember most of the details.When you meet the love of your life you remember ever second of it. All day those seconds of every memory we had ever made have been running through me head, like a never ending nightmare. on and off, off and on, with no end in sight, im waiting for the boat to see the harbor but there is no lighthouse to light my way. our love seemed like a dream, now tarnished by your decisions and actions. my heart breaks into a million pieces to see the monster you have become, you are the trusest of the true when it comes to monsters.you have become ugly overnight to me when i used to think you were beautiful. you are souless and sour, when your spirit used to run through me with such a sweetness. was i just to blinded by love to see your ugly side, your true side? as sickend as i have become with you, i am also sadened to lose you, though i dont know why or how i should or could be sad for you in this situation. im shaking with rage, im cryin with fury, and altogether just lost... your a monster, im a million pieces, and life is frozen to me.

Im going to be an AUNT!!!!

About three weeks ago hank and danielle told me they were pregnat with my first niece or nephew... im leaning twords niece but won't know till june! I was over joyed when they told me. I was almost in dis-belief. I first thought they were joking but they are 100% serious. I could not be happier that they are going to have a baby. I know they will be amazing parents. They are such kind and caring people that i know my neice or nephew will adore them! I cannot wait to see what an amazing life the little peach grows into... since the baby is a size of a peach in just a few days! What more can i say, Aunt Brooke aka ab is ready to meet baby hampton already and is counting down the days till november!!!! 197 days or close to depending if she or he decides to come november 18!!!!