Im going to be an AUNT!!!!

About three weeks ago hank and danielle told me they were pregnat with my first niece or nephew... im leaning twords niece but won't know till june! I was over joyed when they told me. I was almost in dis-belief. I first thought they were joking but they are 100% serious. I could not be happier that they are going to have a baby. I know they will be amazing parents. They are such kind and caring people that i know my neice or nephew will adore them! I cannot wait to see what an amazing life the little peach grows into... since the baby is a size of a peach in just a few days! What more can i say, Aunt Brooke aka ab is ready to meet baby hampton already and is counting down the days till november!!!! 197 days or close to depending if she or he decides to come november 18!!!!

speak to me...

somedays i miss you so much. i had the most visual dream about my grandpa last night. i wonder if it will ever be the last. i found my self in a completly dark room. then a dim light appeared. as i walked to the dim light, it got brighter and brighter. as i got to the light, there was my grandpa. with his face so happy and comforting. i started to cry to say how much i missed him and how much i loved him. with tears rolling down my face he said " its ok, im ok, everything will be ok" all i could say was how much i missed and loved him, i just wanted to talk to him so bad and i knew that i would never be able to ever again. he then told me " it will be ok" as the light went out with a big flash, all i saw was a yellow butterfly leave and that was the end of my dream. i have never drempt of my grandpa but this was the most serreal dream i have ever had, i felt he was there, in the room with me. its so wierd because of the things going on in my life and him saying it will be ok, just blows my mind. though it is reasurring things that are bad right now will get better, i felt like his spirit had heard me last night when i wanted to talk to him so bad just wishing i would have just ten more minutes with him. maybe that was my last ten minutes with him? maybe it was just my hopes getting the best of me. but it has truly affected me today. the only thing i want more in this world is to have ten last minutes with him.

leaving

Im in a mood, a mood that can pull me under, if i let it get away from me it soon will... i just need to get it all out.

Sometimes i want so badely to watch you suffer, they way i have and always suffer in your pesence. Not once is there a look or shread of decency sent my way. So ready to shed the skin and this world. Never had i wanted to be so alone and surrounded. Everyone and everything demand perfection from someone who gives no perfection, never saw it in my contract, and dont understand it. No one is perfect, however i contstantly feel i let people down, when i just want to be left alone, go away, leave. But then im backlashed with why? depressed much? and hermit... just go.

change

It is always interesting when your group of friends has a huge change in mindset. Mine is now having a change in the way we think of men. At first it seems like we all met ok guys. Just your average male, not to much special about them, but enough to give each of us butterflys. Only to realize a few weeks to a few months later that these men, men we put on pedistools, don't deserve the butterflys or pedistools. In fact they deserve to be droped from those stools and beaten severly. It is funny what a little crush can do to a woman. Sometimes it gives a soft glow, and sometimes it messes with your brain till you can't think any more. Well we all had blinders on and kept making excuses for the good we saw in these men. Only to truly find there was no good in these men. We all deserve someone to worship the ground we walk on. Why should we settle for these "average" men. Well truth be told no one out there, no woman, should have to settle for average. We should be taking an interest in the men who would climb mountains just to see us. Not men that expect to be waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong, we are still hurt by these average men by being the ones to wait on them, give up more for them than they would for us. But these average men only make us stonger to fight for the ones that we deserve and the ones who deserve us. We are now all ready to drop those averages to the curbs and we are ready to wait, search, or stumble upon those a + men that are hiding behind the averages shadows.



Red Jumpsuit Apparatus : Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

drained.

I am writting tonight completly drained yet im not ready to say good night. my morning was rough as well as my night last night. in total i got about 45 minutes of sleep. i was so nervous to talk to my mom about the lap band but when it came down to it i could barely talk. all i did was start crying and there was no turning back then. so while sitting in my moms car spilling my guts on how i felt, i started to feel better though i still cant quit crying.yes i have my mothers support but it is still going to be a long and tough journey knowing where i could be a year from now. then one of my besties called. her name is calie and we met when i was 8 years old, she lived across the street from my dad and we have been inseperable since. we had a long talk today about best friends and what they mean to us, the ones who give us the most heart and more. the ones who never judge us, when a normal person should. the ones who just listen and love you for who you are. my friends help keep me stong when i feel i cant move, the motivate and inspire me to live life to the fullest and live everyday like its my last. i love them all to death and forever!

what a day, what a week, what a month, what a year...

it is insane how much time has gone by this year. this is the year i turned 21, went to vegas, had my heart broken, and found out who my true and real friends were. it seems like just yesterday was the first of the year. so much is going on in life it just gets to be to much at some points. i feel i just need to climb to the top of a mountain to escape it all. i had my very first, funnest ever, st. patties day with all of my best friends, well most of them! we of course went out and had some drinks but it was just nice to cut loose for a night with out all the b.s. and drama that life has been bringing to me and all of my friends lately... it has been poring drama for almost every one that i know. life is going at the moment... im very nervous about tomarro... i am going to ask my mother if i can get the lap band surgery... i have to ask her if she would help with funds for the operation. it is up in the air as to what she will say but i have to do this for myself. before i lose myself in the weight to my emotions or physically. its already set in, the depression that i have from failed attempts of keeping this weight off. yes i have lost 70 pounds before... i kept it off for maybe a week after eleven months of hard ass work. the problem with going to a bording school for weightloss and coming back into the same situation that you left, is that you get thrown back into the fighting and heart ache and pain that was what you tried to escape. the problem is if your situation doesnt change then neither will your habits, friends habits, or your families. two days after coming home from school after being gone for almost a year, i was told i still wasnt as small as my step-mother... i was a size twelve wearing a medium shirt that was two big. it just seems if i am small or big weight is always an issue with the people im around. it makes me feel like such a big dissapointment. many people have mad sure i feel like shit for it to....

reguardless here are some pics from the wild night

second guessing

it never fails that at some point in life you can start to second guess yourself. some times it seems that it happens more often then it should. i find when this happens its time to bring myself back down to earth. many times in relationships i have either romantic or friendship i sometimes have to take a step back and look at the big picture. earlier this week i started to second guess an ending to a relationship. if it was the right decision or if it truly ended right. i came to the conclusion after writting a mistaken letter, that i made the right choice. i finally realized that everything was in the right place and everything was right where it needed to be for me to " start over" and begin something new. though it can be hard to let a person walk out of your life, most of the time it is for the best. people can walk in and out of our lives but there are reasons. sometimes its to make us realize what we want in life, or that we deserve better. though it may not always seem like the right thing at the time, but five minutes, or years later it will prove that you made the right decision. sometimes it seems good to second guess ourselves so that we can re-evaluate what we are doing, where we are going, and what we deserve. its just funny some times the way these simple events fall into our laps just waiting on a decision or a second guess.