Oh the places you'll go...

As I sit here in Albuquerque, New Mexico I am blown away that my move is in progress. In less than 2 days I will be living in my new city and my new place. This has been a hard few months but I have never been so ready in my life to get to somewhere new. I am so excited for some new culture and faces... On to day 2 of the road to home, or should I say my new home. 

Here's to hoping.

I have never been in such a strange place in my life as I am now. I am at a crossroads of what I want and need to do but am stuck in between, in limbo. It's hard when you wake up to the same thing every day, same routine, same people, and almost the same day.  Every day to me feels like ground hog day. Nothing changes from day to day and it just makes me feel stuck.  As I sit here on the eve of what could be the day that could potentially change my life I am only hopeful, attempting to keep my negative thoughts away, though I am struggling. I can only hope the next 48 hours brings a closure and meaning to the last new months but  I am hesitant. I can 

only hope and pray( something I rarely do) that this is the end of it and my struggle and it will soon be over so my new life and begging may start. With so many plans and dreams on the way all I can do is hope and hold on to a good attitude and the thought of that new life is what helps me through the next day. 

7 years strong...

Seven years ago I was sitting alone in my dorm room falling apart. Triggered by my most frequent trigger, there I laid cutting my leg wide open to feel something, anything other than numb. Cutting away the pain of this person and every person who had done me wrong. As I lay there killing myself with self hate all I could do was cry. It had been three long and hard years since I had started self mutilation. At that time in my life I always felt numb, unwanted, hated, and alone. It came as a release to me, to not always turn to food to heal and relieve my pain. I could do it at school, work, and home and no one would say a word. Back to that night at school when my friend walked in to find my razor in hand and blood all over my bed, I had no words. This was the first time in my entire life that someone had found me, in the middle of my self destruction. All I could do was cry, I had no words. I was numb and blind, and at the same time feeling and found.  For once in my life some one caught me red handed (no pun intended) and for once in my life someone offered a shoulder to cry on and break down on. All I could do was cry and scream. My friend just held and comforted me and that was all I had ever wanted and needed in those moments. As I calmed down she took me to an r.a. To get cleaned up. All the r.a. Could do was ask me why I had done this, all I could do was cry. At this point it had been almost 6 months since I had cut and there I stood back to square one yet again. Once my  
at school found out she immediately threatened wilderness. I knew my life at boarding school was bad enough and I didn't want to make it worse for myself. I agreed while I finished the remainder of my time there I would not self mutilate in any way.  Though it was one of the hardest things to conquer in my life, this Thursday I am celebrating 7 years strong. If I could sit in a room with myself from 7 years ago I would of never believed back then that I could come this far. Some people may shrug and roll their eyes at the idea that self harm is a problem, to these people I say this in all sincerity, fuck you. If you haven't been there, been with a friend or family member in the situation you have no idea what a growing problem it is. There were countless times I had a hard time getting the cuts to stop bleeding and to heal. I once cut my let so bad and deep it took over 6 months to heal, to put that in perspective that's over a half of a year.  When people find out what I used to do to myself they are shocked, they say " but your such a happy, easy going person, your beautiful and so caring" all of these attributes have nothing to do with the way I felt and my past life. All I can do today is help those in need with this issue and look to the future, self hate free. So cheers to 7 years, every day becomes easier and more and more reminders  of why I am here and where I am going. Thank you to my past self that finally have forgiveness and moved on. My future self thanks you  and strives to make each day a gift, not a process . 

Wondering...

There are days where you can begin to wonder about your choices. Wondering if the choices you are trying to make are correct. Then wondering if all of the progress so far is worth it. Especially wondering all of this when there had been a particularly hard day/week. All centred around the recent choices made in recent months but finally coming  to head  this week. From Sunday to Friday, to see every event has had action and reaction. Good and bad, glass half full, glass half empty, and all of the up's and down's, I just feel a little sea sick.  Yes there have been set backs and let downs this week, but there have also been reinforcements and bounds forward. It puts me in the state of mind to remember why I started this journey and why I must get to the finish line- no matter what it takes, I will make it there.   Because with all of my speed humps thus far, I have made it over and I am not stopping for any one this time. I am looking out for number one for the first time in my life, and I going forward for myself, and my life. Simply because I matter. I  am taking control to get to where I want to go. 

big decisions always come with a price... or so they say.

There was a moment when I almost decided not to move. There was a moment when I decided, it would be so much easier to keep my life the same, to keep my life uncomplicated and comfortable. I was overwhelmed with what the next few months had in store for me, cleaning up the house, going through my things, packing, just an overwhelming amount of things to accomplish when attempting to pick up life and move to another state. I have never lived any where but my home town so to up root my life and start some where new is a huge deal to me. For me to walk down the street and not know a single soul will be the most rewarding part of this entire journey. Where I live now, every one knows everything that has ever happened to me and everything I have ever done. I am ready to make a name for myself, to find my own adventures and connections. My entire life everyone has told me what to do, how to do, when to do, and why to do things. I am ready to be far from everyone's advise or lack there of. I am ready to be far away from the negative thinking and constant put downs from certain people in this town and in my life. I am ready to not give a flying frick about what any one says or thinks.I still get treated like the baby of the family, who everyone thinks should be given their 2 cents no matter what. I know it will be so healthy for me to have some distance and be able to make my own choices wrong, right, up, or down. Because after all of this, I had another moment where I envisioned my new life out in Austin and suddenly every hurdle and speed bump is completely worth the day I leave Arizona and find myself out in Austin, finding who I am, and loving finding who I have always wanted to be.

Let your heart lead the way.... Always.

I was 22 years old when I was presented with a business plan that would change any young persons life. I saw my dreams morph into this reality or so I thought of a new life with more opportunities. If you have never opened/launched a business from scratch, It is absolutely one of the hardest things to do. From the planning to opening day it is an absolute cluster fuck. Sure you can start out with a plan and how you will follow through, but guaranteed a few weeks in, that plan changes constantly from day to day, hour to hour. As I was going into this new business life, I could hear and feel my heart strings ripping from my reality. What was promised and what reality was were two very different things. I am a strong believer to never quit and give up, however over a year and a half off working my ass off, trying to please everyone, and managing a business that I had no experience in. I had stopped believing in myself and inevitably quit on myself. I came to a breaking point where it was going to be make the business successful no matter what it took of my mind, body and soul, or making myself happy and healthy. I had given everything to this business and I found I could not of given an ounce more of myself to it. It was a crisp day in October of 2012 that I finally listened to my heart instead of my head. I let my heart lead myself up the stairs to resign my position. I let my heart pour out onto the desk of my boss. I felt as though my heart came out of my chest as I was telling my boss I was done and had enough. I had never, and I mean ever, let my heart do the talking. I had always been one to tell people what they wanted to hear, instead of letting them know what they needed to know and how I felt. Since that day in October I have let my heart lead the way. I know now that there has to be a combination of heart and head into everything that I do. However I am letting my heart lead the way and letting my head piece it all together. I have decided to never let myself talk my heart out of situations that matter the most to the heart. I am letting my heart lead a path and a way as I have never done this before, but its time for a new leader in my life. No matter the outcome I know if I follow my heart my mind, body, and soul will follow with happiness. From now on my heart is the leader, and I am the follower.

Looking into the rear view....

I am a leaf blowing in the wind. I am a spark in the fire. I am a drop of water in the ocean. I'm lost but found. I am strong but i am weak. I do not understand this world as of late, or life as of now. I am sure everyone at some point in their life takes a look in the mirror one day and just says what the fuck. Weather it be the choices made so far, questionably healthy or unhealthy choices or changes, unchangeable situations. This is where I stand, looking in the mirror. Constant questions of why and where do I want to go from here. I do not question why I have been brought here. I do not question why I have the past that I have.From time to time I let the anger and rage take hold and consume me. Though many of the circumstances were out of my control there is a rage and madness that flows through my veins, sometimes triggered by words or flashbacks of memories from a time long ago. Yes, from time to time I beg the questions of why, who, and what I could or would change in the past. Not a fucking thing. Its my past and I believe no one else could of survived it the way I have. Don't get me wrong, I have had a fair share of ups and downs in my past, However my past comes with a lot of darkness that has been hard to forgive. I believe that even my darkest moment has made me more patient, kind, forgiving, and most of all empathetic to those who surround me. I have finally forgiven my darkest moment. I am finally ready to let it go. I realized a few weeks ago how long I had held on to the pain of this moment, this person that plagued me,a innocent life lost, and how upset I was with myself for not being strong enough. I know I had not been ready to face it emotionally for some time, years. Upon bringing this to light I have felt a certain sense of accomplishment, forgiving the unthinkable. Just when I thought I could never let go, I did. I know the spirit lost would be proud to read this, to know I made it. The last of the moments in the rear view to let go of. All is forgiven, all is laid to rest. I am finally free to look to the future.

Life is short...

Life is sweet. Life is what we make of it. It is easy to forget in our day to day lives what is truly important to us. It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and we truly forget to take even five minutes a day to our selves or to smell the roses. I am currently sitting in a room in Kona Hawaii with what has been some of the best days of my life. Not because they were extraordinary or extreme, but because they have been simple. We wake up when ever, drink coffee, talk, get food, go to the beach, get dinner, and snack in between. And in between those moments are the most beautiful because of my nephew Henry. It is so easy to forget to look at the world as a child does. It is the simple things that blow their minds, where did we lose this? Weather it be playing with sand, eating gurt " yogurt", or playing with a flash light in the back of the car. It is the simple moments in life to me that mean the most. Every time I hear " Auntie B" or "Book" or anything among the lines of aunt, b, or Brooke, it truly melts my heart. I love being an Aunt, I can only imagine what it is like to be a mother. So take five minutes right now and find something, anything, to be thankful for. Take five minutes to reflect or breath. Just take time every day for yourself, It will make all the difference.

At some point in everyone's life, we start to find ourselves. This is my time. I have recently started to work out and take charge of my life. As soon as I started that, everything else just started to fall into place. I am not sure if I have ever been in such a good place, I mean its unreal to me that in 23 years of living, I am just now starting to feel it and feel great. It seems like everything is falling in or out of place. When I say out of place I mean friends and family that bring me down, or shall I say used to. It hurts to find out so many things about people you love and care about. When I was younger, I always thought that I should hold on to every friendship I ever made, Now I realize to hold on to the one's that hold back. Yes, it is impossible for me to talk to all of my friends every day, or week, or month. But when we do talk, It's like we never skipped a moment. I have realized I can only have people in my life who fully support me, no matter what. I am finding myself as a young adult and finally finding who I am, who I am not, but who I'm going to be, and well that is me!

" on their way"

"I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could."Everyone now a days wants the one. When is the one coming? I'm sorry I can't sleep with you, Im waiting for the one. One thing about the one, they are on thier way. They are on their way. Sure, I bet your exhausted from waiting, and you and i may have to wait a little long, but they are on their way, as fast as they can get here. So for now, atleast me, I'm running to get there, and on my way, i am bettering myself for my love. Sure call this post as cheesy as they come, but if you are coming from where I am, your tired of coming home to an empty house, spending all of your free time alone and watching what seems like to be everyone in your life getting married or having kids, or falling back in love, hell all three. It seems that helping better myself may speed up this waiting time for me. That's how i feel, im always waiting for that glance to make my heart stop from that special one. So for now, I can rest easy knowing that special one, is on their way.

Day 1...

The time on the wall said 6:20... My legs on the treadmill were burning... And I had been on it for three whole minutes... Yea i know three whole minutes. Some of you may gauche at this, others feel sympathy, For me i feel saddened, angered, and pissed off. How have i let myself come to this point, the point of being tired after three minutes of walking.. Not running but a simple walk at 3.0. Now some may have given up at that 3 minutes of pure misery. Some would have just kept going, at a slower pace. Me, well i decided to nut up or shut up and put that treadmill on a 4.5 incline. Yea, thats how i roll. And i did increments of incline and higher speed for 45 minutes. I had to push, push, push myself to finish. Today was the first day i worked out in over three years, yea three whole years, 1095 days, or more, without pushing myself to exercise. How did i feel you may ask, frankly like shit. Its funny, when i was younger and wanting to loose weight, it was a huge thing. I would plan out my start date, and it would be this huge deal where i would throw myself into shock, by not eating any sugar or easing myself into it. I would just go balls to the wall and then hit a wall and inevitably give up. As i was around ten minutes on treadmill this thought popped into my head " This is the first workout of the rest of my life". Every work out from here on out will be easier than the last. When i woke up the morning, I had no idea that i would be going to the gym, signing up, and then working out. I know a lot of people that go to the gym, sign up, then go home... Um hello? Did you just throw 50 bucks out the window? By going home instead of starting your workout, your new life in that moment, your not going to start any thing but giving away your money every month for no reason. You may as well just take your money and put it in the trash because it would be better spend there than on empty promises to yourself. Today was just a random thursday that I woke up thinking i would do just the same thing as yesterday. Today was different because I did not amp myself up that " today is the day i change my life, loose my weight, and solve all of my issues". Today was the day I woke up and decided that today was day one. Tomorrow is day two. Saturday will be day three. There will be mess up's, there will be down days, but there will also be a lot of awesome days, a lot of first's, a lot of i told you so... Today I felt moved and ready, and in that moment, I let go of all the if's, what's, and but's. Done. I have one day down, so ready to meet day two. So cheers to day 2.

A letter for my brother...

As i sit here on the eve of what was the hardest day in my life, i am left with thoughts. Some of them good, some bad, some just wondering. As i let my thoughts wonder, searching for answers, i came across this, " He's the guy who's always there for you. Whenever things go wrong, he'll give you a hand to help you through. And lend your heart a song. He's the guy who's also there for you whenever things go right. To say "Well done! and " Good for you" " i knew you'd be alright" He's the guy you've fought with, stuck up for. A friend that's like no other. A guy that's this and so much more. This guy is called a brother." And there is no one like him in this world. He is a one of a kind. In a song that i adore, there is this line about a brother "Believe you can shine when you're silver, And I promise you gold; I promise you gold" Today my brother has taught me this is true. He has assured me it is ok to be myself, not to regret it. I can't leave out my sis in law, she has been behind my brother this entire time cheering me on. I guess what it all boils down to is this: I am lucky, however i am more chance, as it was chance that brought me to my brother, not luck. My favorite quote on my favorite piece of art work i will ever own states " Brother and sister by chance, friends forever by choice." I love my change and my choice and I love my Brother.

I'm off on an adventure...

Imagine if you will, going down a dirt road, parking the car, and walking out of the " world" walking away from cell phones and cars. As you walk down the mountain you are surrounded by peace and quiet, most of all beauty. Sedona red rocks, beautiful mountains, and amazing friends. As you near the vegetation below, you can hear the water running. As you pass through the brush and broken trees, you are taken away to a place of serenity. There is a plot of rocks, in the middle of a stream of water. This was my Saturday. It was spent tucked away from the world, my own piece of heaven. Me and three of my best friend went on an adventure, to be lost. When we arrived down to the water, i was taken away from the stress of life. It was like, nothing else existed in that moment, just my friends and I. This place we found was secluded but perfect. There was a cut out of rocks for us to lay on, and a deeper hole for us to swim in. We spent a total of 4 hours out there, and it felt like days. Just pure quiet and running water. The sun seemed to heal us all. With all the hustle and bustle of life, the sun just seemed to set us all free. It was fun talking and laughing, then we would go through 30 or more minutes of not talking, just reflecting. I am not one for hiking usually, and i loved this place... I cannot wait to go back. I feel like a healed soul brought back to life.

5 years and counting...

Five whole years. Five. Cinco. Five years since i last cut. For those unaware of "cutting" it is self mutilation, where you intentionally hurt yourself. It is almost hard to describe unless you have done it. For what ever reason it helps relieve pain, or i should say it did for me. For years i cut, to help myself feel. to release my pain from the inside out. As of Monday however, i am five years "sober" i guess you can call it, five years free of cutting. Many times when someone is a cutter, they will never quit. When talking to my therapist a few years back, he still had a client that was cutting. She was 42 years old. Though i was cutting at this point still in my life, that one sentence has always stuck with me. Being 42, this woman most likely had a husband and a family, and she was still taking out her emotional pain upon herself. The last day i cut was June 13, 2006. I was still at boarding school over in California. I was having some problems with the family and decided cutting was my best option to let go of the pain. It had been a few months since i had cut, so i went a little over board. Once i was done i looked down at my leg to check the damage, and all i saw was blood. I had to tell one of the counselors so i could get band aids and get the bleeding to stop. As one of the R.A.'s was helping me get cleaned up, she just kept shaking her head and asking me why. I couldn't form words, all i could do was cry. I couldn't believe i had set myself back again, just when i thought i was moving forward i took 20 steps backwards. When all of my friends at school found out about it, boy did i get ear fulls from all around. That night as i laid in bed, looking at the huge band aid's and ace bandage around my thigh, i had a vision, of me in my forties, with a few kids, hiding under long sleeve t-shirts and long pants in the summer. I did that for a few years and it was pure misery. As i cried in bed and wondered how i traveled down this road, and what brought me here. I realized the pain I had endured from my child hood, did not have to follow me into adult hood, or past this day. Tomorrow was a new start to a new day, and a new life. I no longer had to live with this embarrassment and addiction. So the next day, i decided to start taking things a day at a time. And here i am, 5 years later. Back then, if you would of told me i would of gone for 5 years without cutting, i would of said no fucking way. But yes, fucking way, i did it, it happened, and i am continuing on this path. It is just insane to see where i have come from. If i could write a letter to me or my past, i would have been able to tell myself, it is all worth it. All the pain, tears, and blood is worth the wait of happiness. What is my happiness you ask? My friends, family, my house, my business. It is in the eyes of my young nephew, the laugh of my friends, the love from my mother, the support of everyone, well almost everyone, around me. Happiness is waking up everyday in a pain free world, walking up to take that new day, leaving my past further and further behind me. I was told long ago, you can never forget your past, as it has made you who you are, but you never have to live in the past again. You can look back in the past for references, as long as you don't stay in the past. When i was younger, i could not see into the future, as i wished i didn't have one and that everyday was the day for me to leave this earth. Yes i know that sounds a little drawn out and over done, but that is the way i felt. And now i feel as though i have run a huge marathon race. In a way, i know i have. You don't just get to a five year mark without serious work. Still to this day, when i am really down and out, it will pop into my mind to just "cut". Then i look down at my memorial/anniversary tattoo and i think about the last few years and my growth and happiness, and i say fuck no. And i choose to never look back and never relive that part of my past. c'est-la-vie (it's the life) but i choose this life. After all, how can you regret or be upset with a life you choose? So here's to me, yes me, and five years going on five and a day.

Life is to short to...

Have any regrets. How many times have you regretted not getting that mustard pair of high heels in charlotte russe in San Diego, California two years ago? Well at least this is one of them for me. Do you ever think about your regrets? How many do you have? As i watched my nephew crawl around tonight i remembered when he was first born and how time has flown since that amazing day. And as he grabbed onto my foot tonight, i thought about all the things i have wanted to say or do to my friends and loved ones. All those times i wanted to hang with my dad on the couch, but instead refused to because of his wife being in the room. All those times i wanted to hang with my friends but didn't to please my mom. Too many times I have passed up great opportunities that life is all about. I am making note to never do this with my nephew or from now on. What are you going to change to ensure you can look back fully on this life, and be truly satisfied?

Good bye Portland, Hello Arizona!!!!!!!!!!

Portland as a overall experience was great. I learned a lot from flower school and I learned a lot about myself and what I can handle and what I cannot. I learned more self confidence while I was here as weird as that sounds. And Portland as a city is an amazing city; I would highly recommend everyone to visit this city for its beauty and its food. I also met some amazing people that I believe I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I am so very excited to get home to start my new life. I have been told my shop looks amazing like my new kitchen will to. I am excited to wake up every day and love my career. I am beyond excited to get into my shop and do what I do best… create masterpieces… well mostly! Wish me luck as I travel home and start the first day of the rest of my life Saturday!

Little red dress, how i love you...

I have confidence. Say it. Confidence. Can you say it? Can you fully let it roll off your tongue with a ring? Can you look at yourself in the mirror while saying it or do you have to whisper it to yourself in the corner? I can, I will, I did. Yes I did, I was able to look myself in the mirror and say I have confidence in you. When I left for Portland I wanted a change. I wanted to come back somewhat different. I like most realize I am not perfect; I have flaws that can sometimes take away from my life and happiness, only because I let them. I somehow wanted to come back with fewer flaws, it seems to be working. I bought a sexy, short, bright red dress which is something as a big girl, I have never done. It felt so good to slip it on in the dressing room, and have enough confidence to show my new friend how it looked. It fit like a glove and brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt as beautiful as I did trying that dress on. It is short and sassy, just like me. It’s a perfect match for me and my new confidence. How do you gain confidence away from home you ask? Simple… get thrown into the unknown and you will be simply amazing at what you are capable outside of your comfort zone. I am someone who will sit in on a Saturday night because I am not comfortable with my body. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love to go out, but when you are the only “big” girl in your group, you are the one that never gets hit on. You are the one who gets made fun of while you walk past a group of guys. So when this happens, it forces me to stay home, in my comfort zone. However the comfort zone is not as fun as it should be. While you just sit there, watching t.v. all by yourself, your friends are out having the time of their lives which is right where you should be, in the middle of the dance floor laughing it up with your best buds. Instead you continue weekend after weekend to sit on the couch and wallow in sorrow and weep with the willows. So since I came to Portland I decided every day I would wear makeup, earrings, and cute matching outfits. This may not seem like a challenge or a revelation to some of you but shit, when you don’t want to be seen by the world some days; this is the biggest challenge in the world. With this challenge, you are asking people in. You are asking to be seem by society, to hear the good and bad remarks. .. You are asking for the world to notice you as a big and beautiful women, you are asking to be seen with confidence, when you have very little. Because all too often I let societies take it from me. I let that group of dick heads take it from me. So since I have been here, though it has been challenging, I have done it. I wake up dreading school as always but I get up, get dressed, put on makeup, and grab a great pear of earrings. I walk down stairs into the lobby, grab my coffee and a bagel and start my day out with a smile. I walk seven blocks plus to get to school and one of my new friends will come pick me up most of the time which is a nice break in the rain. As I wait for my ride to arrive, I like to watch people and everything around me. I used to freak out and think “ omg what are they staring at? Are they talking about me? Was that laugh directed towards me?” Now I just simply stare and wonder about other people, not making judgments, just wondering. I just wonder now because I have no doubts that I look great and I don’t have to let my negative thoughts consume my morning and my day. Yes I am a big women, who would love to be skinny, but I didn’t gain all this weight in one day, it sure as hell is not going to come off in one. But when it does, I know there are a million other red dress stories waiting for me.

Penny for your thoughts?

No matter where you go, and what you do, you need a support system. Near or far I believe everyone should have at least one person besides yourself to help support and guide you through the journeys you will go on. For me, my support system is far and wide. I called some people from home today, three to be exact, and it made me feel more at ease. Every single one of my friends from home has reminded me this week how lucky I am to have each and every one of them, and of course my mom and grandmother as well taught me today time heals everything and I will always have their support, especially in time. My grandmother is quitting smoking after 50 years, I think this shows her strong will and I know she can do it. And my mother was just full of support and so was my brother. I feel my heart growing through my chest as I put these letters to paper. Everyone from home is full of excitement and hope in me to do this, this being becoming a florist. I can hear the excitement and wonder in the voices of my support and it makes me feel I have made the right choice, in fact I know I have. All of my friends have seen me through my true ups and downs, because with friends you can just fall like butter in a microwave and they have a way of putting you in a refrigerator and not making you a stick again, but they do make you hard enough to face the world. So to know this is another adventure they support me in makes me have more of a appreciation for them. Today I ate at pita pit for the first time and it was quite good. I also made some asymmetrical arrangements and corsages. I walked around a few blocks from the hotel and explored. It is nice just being able to listen to my i-pod and walk around and look at all the neat things here in Portland. I like to just stop and look around to observe. I see lovers in embrace not wanting to let go, I see a group of friends talking and reminiscing of times past and present, and I see a man and a man holding hands. No one stares at them, or laughs, but they are somehow embraced in this community as a beautiful thing of love. There is no religion on each corner popping out to the sinners and saints. There are just people being people, letting each other live. I see men talking to homeless men trying to find their story and it just seems fascinating in this city there is such diversity and change. This is a place that many could come to search to find pieces of their soul that never excited and at least have some bit of change by the time they left. It reminds me of Prescott but on a broader stream with change and acceptance on every corner, you just have to keep a look out for it. This makes me think of the girl who gave the homeless girl a dollar for shelter. Maybe she was the change I saw on the corner that night. What was around the other corner? Was there a bigger changed that happened? What is around us that we are not seeing on a day to day basis? There must be lots as the world changes a little every day. Are you the person behind the corner with a dollar to spare? Are you possibly one of the nine to stubborn to help your fellow man? I ask you can you find change in yourself or can you recall a time you changed a little or spared a little. I know every day here is an adventure and has limited time, so its time for me to soak it all in and make some room for change.

26 days...

I have only 26 days. 26 days to begin my new life. 26 days to explore a new city. 26 days could seem long to some people, but it almost doesn’t seem like it is enough. I am going to floral design school. When I was growing up, I never knew what I was going to do for a living. I never had that poof moment where I knew exactly what I wanted to do and be. I worked for 5+ years in my mom’s shop. I enjoyed it but I was more shop keep than I was a designer. I am so over the moon excited to have a career, not a job. Fashion Bug was a job, floral design is a career. I also decided to take this time in Oregon to challenge myself. To take a step outside of my normal and throw myself into the unknown. This is unknown territory for sure. I am located in the downtown area. It is surrounded by many shops, coffee, and restaurants. You can walk pretty much any where you need to go. Many of the people are friendly, on my way to school I got lost and a nice man helped me get where I needed to go. I made fast friends with a girl in my class, who is giving me a ride to school tomorrow ( I had a horrible day in the rain). In this 26 days however, I also challenged myself to do something every day. For instance I went to a local theater tonight with rose ( my floral friend) and her husband. They were showing a preview of what they were going to be putting on this year at the theatre. They had snacks and cupcakes to lure people in to buy season tickets. I must say this was the best stage acting I have ever seen. It makes me wish I lived her e for the entertainment. We also went out to dinner and I had a beer with dinner, which if you know me, I usually only get dr.pepper, and I was presently surprised that I liked the beer and almost ordered another one. I was also surprised that in some cities all people are the same. As I came out of the theater a younger girl approached me and asked if I had a dollar to spare so she could get a room at a hostel for the night, because the shelter was full. I unfortunately had left my backpack in rose’s car or else I would have given her the 4 dollars in my purse.. As I waited outside for rose and her husband I watched this young girl ask ten other people if they had a dollar. Some dismissed her as soon as she approached; some listened to her story and then turned her down. Only one out of ten people gave her a dollar. In a city full of Honda elements, Toyota pruis’s, Ford mustangs and Cadillac escalade’s only one person could spare a dollar. In a city where the major is openly gay, everyone conserves energy and recycles, it seems only one person had a heart. It is a rainy night here in Portland, I will think about that girl all night, wondering if she got a room… Another thing that stayed with me is a line from the theater :“ I’m an angry American with an open mind. I am full of hate and envy but at the end, I am full of hope.” Can you make yourself a challenge, even in your own town? Can you make yourself do something outside of your comfort zone everyday for at least a month? I think you can!

Oh nephews....

If you ever get so lucky as to become an aunt, then you know my title by heart. Even when they are less than three months it is incredible the love you have for your nephew. As i went to see my darling little nephew Henry, i was so excited to see him i could barely wait. Work took forever, the pizza took way to long to cook, and traffic was just in the way. The moment my sister opened the door and i saw his beautiful face, i could cry all over again, like the day he was born. To me, Henry is perfect in every way, as most aunts and parents would say, but i truly feel it. From head to toe, there is perfection. His eyes could kill, his checks chubby, his body long and growing, and his heart out for all to see. How could you not love a baby right? Well the moment i was told i was going to be an aunt i had instant love for Henry. I am one of his aunts, and i feel so lucky to be. Last night he fell asleep on me for an hour and a half. As we laid there, i wondered what he was dreaming about, if he was dreaming. I wondered when i would tell him this story of when he fell asleep on my chest and stretched out and used me like a recliner.I could and would never trade that moment for anything. It is amazing how fulfilling being an aunt can make you feel. I can't wait to see what his life brings and to watch him grow from a boy to a man.