speak to me...

somedays i miss you so much. i had the most visual dream about my grandpa last night. i wonder if it will ever be the last. i found my self in a completly dark room. then a dim light appeared. as i walked to the dim light, it got brighter and brighter. as i got to the light, there was my grandpa. with his face so happy and comforting. i started to cry to say how much i missed him and how much i loved him. with tears rolling down my face he said " its ok, im ok, everything will be ok" all i could say was how much i missed and loved him, i just wanted to talk to him so bad and i knew that i would never be able to ever again. he then told me " it will be ok" as the light went out with a big flash, all i saw was a yellow butterfly leave and that was the end of my dream. i have never drempt of my grandpa but this was the most serreal dream i have ever had, i felt he was there, in the room with me. its so wierd because of the things going on in my life and him saying it will be ok, just blows my mind. though it is reasurring things that are bad right now will get better, i felt like his spirit had heard me last night when i wanted to talk to him so bad just wishing i would have just ten more minutes with him. maybe that was my last ten minutes with him? maybe it was just my hopes getting the best of me. but it has truly affected me today. the only thing i want more in this world is to have ten last minutes with him.

leaving

Im in a mood, a mood that can pull me under, if i let it get away from me it soon will... i just need to get it all out.

Sometimes i want so badely to watch you suffer, they way i have and always suffer in your pesence. Not once is there a look or shread of decency sent my way. So ready to shed the skin and this world. Never had i wanted to be so alone and surrounded. Everyone and everything demand perfection from someone who gives no perfection, never saw it in my contract, and dont understand it. No one is perfect, however i contstantly feel i let people down, when i just want to be left alone, go away, leave. But then im backlashed with why? depressed much? and hermit... just go.

change

It is always interesting when your group of friends has a huge change in mindset. Mine is now having a change in the way we think of men. At first it seems like we all met ok guys. Just your average male, not to much special about them, but enough to give each of us butterflys. Only to realize a few weeks to a few months later that these men, men we put on pedistools, don't deserve the butterflys or pedistools. In fact they deserve to be droped from those stools and beaten severly. It is funny what a little crush can do to a woman. Sometimes it gives a soft glow, and sometimes it messes with your brain till you can't think any more. Well we all had blinders on and kept making excuses for the good we saw in these men. Only to truly find there was no good in these men. We all deserve someone to worship the ground we walk on. Why should we settle for these "average" men. Well truth be told no one out there, no woman, should have to settle for average. We should be taking an interest in the men who would climb mountains just to see us. Not men that expect to be waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong, we are still hurt by these average men by being the ones to wait on them, give up more for them than they would for us. But these average men only make us stonger to fight for the ones that we deserve and the ones who deserve us. We are now all ready to drop those averages to the curbs and we are ready to wait, search, or stumble upon those a + men that are hiding behind the averages shadows.



Red Jumpsuit Apparatus : Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven