Oh the places you'll go...

As I sit here in Albuquerque, New Mexico I am blown away that my move is in progress. In less than 2 days I will be living in my new city and my new place. This has been a hard few months but I have never been so ready in my life to get to somewhere new. I am so excited for some new culture and faces... On to day 2 of the road to home, or should I say my new home. 

Here's to hoping.

I have never been in such a strange place in my life as I am now. I am at a crossroads of what I want and need to do but am stuck in between, in limbo. It's hard when you wake up to the same thing every day, same routine, same people, and almost the same day.  Every day to me feels like ground hog day. Nothing changes from day to day and it just makes me feel stuck.  As I sit here on the eve of what could be the day that could potentially change my life I am only hopeful, attempting to keep my negative thoughts away, though I am struggling. I can only hope the next 48 hours brings a closure and meaning to the last new months but  I am hesitant. I can 

only hope and pray( something I rarely do) that this is the end of it and my struggle and it will soon be over so my new life and begging may start. With so many plans and dreams on the way all I can do is hope and hold on to a good attitude and the thought of that new life is what helps me through the next day. 

7 years strong...

Seven years ago I was sitting alone in my dorm room falling apart. Triggered by my most frequent trigger, there I laid cutting my leg wide open to feel something, anything other than numb. Cutting away the pain of this person and every person who had done me wrong. As I lay there killing myself with self hate all I could do was cry. It had been three long and hard years since I had started self mutilation. At that time in my life I always felt numb, unwanted, hated, and alone. It came as a release to me, to not always turn to food to heal and relieve my pain. I could do it at school, work, and home and no one would say a word. Back to that night at school when my friend walked in to find my razor in hand and blood all over my bed, I had no words. This was the first time in my entire life that someone had found me, in the middle of my self destruction. All I could do was cry, I had no words. I was numb and blind, and at the same time feeling and found.  For once in my life some one caught me red handed (no pun intended) and for once in my life someone offered a shoulder to cry on and break down on. All I could do was cry and scream. My friend just held and comforted me and that was all I had ever wanted and needed in those moments. As I calmed down she took me to an r.a. To get cleaned up. All the r.a. Could do was ask me why I had done this, all I could do was cry. At this point it had been almost 6 months since I had cut and there I stood back to square one yet again. Once my  
at school found out she immediately threatened wilderness. I knew my life at boarding school was bad enough and I didn't want to make it worse for myself. I agreed while I finished the remainder of my time there I would not self mutilate in any way.  Though it was one of the hardest things to conquer in my life, this Thursday I am celebrating 7 years strong. If I could sit in a room with myself from 7 years ago I would of never believed back then that I could come this far. Some people may shrug and roll their eyes at the idea that self harm is a problem, to these people I say this in all sincerity, fuck you. If you haven't been there, been with a friend or family member in the situation you have no idea what a growing problem it is. There were countless times I had a hard time getting the cuts to stop bleeding and to heal. I once cut my let so bad and deep it took over 6 months to heal, to put that in perspective that's over a half of a year.  When people find out what I used to do to myself they are shocked, they say " but your such a happy, easy going person, your beautiful and so caring" all of these attributes have nothing to do with the way I felt and my past life. All I can do today is help those in need with this issue and look to the future, self hate free. So cheers to 7 years, every day becomes easier and more and more reminders  of why I am here and where I am going. Thank you to my past self that finally have forgiveness and moved on. My future self thanks you  and strives to make each day a gift, not a process . 

Wondering...

There are days where you can begin to wonder about your choices. Wondering if the choices you are trying to make are correct. Then wondering if all of the progress so far is worth it. Especially wondering all of this when there had been a particularly hard day/week. All centred around the recent choices made in recent months but finally coming  to head  this week. From Sunday to Friday, to see every event has had action and reaction. Good and bad, glass half full, glass half empty, and all of the up's and down's, I just feel a little sea sick.  Yes there have been set backs and let downs this week, but there have also been reinforcements and bounds forward. It puts me in the state of mind to remember why I started this journey and why I must get to the finish line- no matter what it takes, I will make it there.   Because with all of my speed humps thus far, I have made it over and I am not stopping for any one this time. I am looking out for number one for the first time in my life, and I going forward for myself, and my life. Simply because I matter. I  am taking control to get to where I want to go. 

big decisions always come with a price... or so they say.

There was a moment when I almost decided not to move. There was a moment when I decided, it would be so much easier to keep my life the same, to keep my life uncomplicated and comfortable. I was overwhelmed with what the next few months had in store for me, cleaning up the house, going through my things, packing, just an overwhelming amount of things to accomplish when attempting to pick up life and move to another state. I have never lived any where but my home town so to up root my life and start some where new is a huge deal to me. For me to walk down the street and not know a single soul will be the most rewarding part of this entire journey. Where I live now, every one knows everything that has ever happened to me and everything I have ever done. I am ready to make a name for myself, to find my own adventures and connections. My entire life everyone has told me what to do, how to do, when to do, and why to do things. I am ready to be far from everyone's advise or lack there of. I am ready to be far away from the negative thinking and constant put downs from certain people in this town and in my life. I am ready to not give a flying frick about what any one says or thinks.I still get treated like the baby of the family, who everyone thinks should be given their 2 cents no matter what. I know it will be so healthy for me to have some distance and be able to make my own choices wrong, right, up, or down. Because after all of this, I had another moment where I envisioned my new life out in Austin and suddenly every hurdle and speed bump is completely worth the day I leave Arizona and find myself out in Austin, finding who I am, and loving finding who I have always wanted to be.

Let your heart lead the way.... Always.

I was 22 years old when I was presented with a business plan that would change any young persons life. I saw my dreams morph into this reality or so I thought of a new life with more opportunities. If you have never opened/launched a business from scratch, It is absolutely one of the hardest things to do. From the planning to opening day it is an absolute cluster fuck. Sure you can start out with a plan and how you will follow through, but guaranteed a few weeks in, that plan changes constantly from day to day, hour to hour. As I was going into this new business life, I could hear and feel my heart strings ripping from my reality. What was promised and what reality was were two very different things. I am a strong believer to never quit and give up, however over a year and a half off working my ass off, trying to please everyone, and managing a business that I had no experience in. I had stopped believing in myself and inevitably quit on myself. I came to a breaking point where it was going to be make the business successful no matter what it took of my mind, body and soul, or making myself happy and healthy. I had given everything to this business and I found I could not of given an ounce more of myself to it. It was a crisp day in October of 2012 that I finally listened to my heart instead of my head. I let my heart lead myself up the stairs to resign my position. I let my heart pour out onto the desk of my boss. I felt as though my heart came out of my chest as I was telling my boss I was done and had enough. I had never, and I mean ever, let my heart do the talking. I had always been one to tell people what they wanted to hear, instead of letting them know what they needed to know and how I felt. Since that day in October I have let my heart lead the way. I know now that there has to be a combination of heart and head into everything that I do. However I am letting my heart lead the way and letting my head piece it all together. I have decided to never let myself talk my heart out of situations that matter the most to the heart. I am letting my heart lead a path and a way as I have never done this before, but its time for a new leader in my life. No matter the outcome I know if I follow my heart my mind, body, and soul will follow with happiness. From now on my heart is the leader, and I am the follower.

Looking into the rear view....

I am a leaf blowing in the wind. I am a spark in the fire. I am a drop of water in the ocean. I'm lost but found. I am strong but i am weak. I do not understand this world as of late, or life as of now. I am sure everyone at some point in their life takes a look in the mirror one day and just says what the fuck. Weather it be the choices made so far, questionably healthy or unhealthy choices or changes, unchangeable situations. This is where I stand, looking in the mirror. Constant questions of why and where do I want to go from here. I do not question why I have been brought here. I do not question why I have the past that I have.From time to time I let the anger and rage take hold and consume me. Though many of the circumstances were out of my control there is a rage and madness that flows through my veins, sometimes triggered by words or flashbacks of memories from a time long ago. Yes, from time to time I beg the questions of why, who, and what I could or would change in the past. Not a fucking thing. Its my past and I believe no one else could of survived it the way I have. Don't get me wrong, I have had a fair share of ups and downs in my past, However my past comes with a lot of darkness that has been hard to forgive. I believe that even my darkest moment has made me more patient, kind, forgiving, and most of all empathetic to those who surround me. I have finally forgiven my darkest moment. I am finally ready to let it go. I realized a few weeks ago how long I had held on to the pain of this moment, this person that plagued me,a innocent life lost, and how upset I was with myself for not being strong enough. I know I had not been ready to face it emotionally for some time, years. Upon bringing this to light I have felt a certain sense of accomplishment, forgiving the unthinkable. Just when I thought I could never let go, I did. I know the spirit lost would be proud to read this, to know I made it. The last of the moments in the rear view to let go of. All is forgiven, all is laid to rest. I am finally free to look to the future.