" on their way"

"I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could."Everyone now a days wants the one. When is the one coming? I'm sorry I can't sleep with you, Im waiting for the one. One thing about the one, they are on thier way. They are on their way. Sure, I bet your exhausted from waiting, and you and i may have to wait a little long, but they are on their way, as fast as they can get here. So for now, atleast me, I'm running to get there, and on my way, i am bettering myself for my love. Sure call this post as cheesy as they come, but if you are coming from where I am, your tired of coming home to an empty house, spending all of your free time alone and watching what seems like to be everyone in your life getting married or having kids, or falling back in love, hell all three. It seems that helping better myself may speed up this waiting time for me. That's how i feel, im always waiting for that glance to make my heart stop from that special one. So for now, I can rest easy knowing that special one, is on their way.

Day 1...

The time on the wall said 6:20... My legs on the treadmill were burning... And I had been on it for three whole minutes... Yea i know three whole minutes. Some of you may gauche at this, others feel sympathy, For me i feel saddened, angered, and pissed off. How have i let myself come to this point, the point of being tired after three minutes of walking.. Not running but a simple walk at 3.0. Now some may have given up at that 3 minutes of pure misery. Some would have just kept going, at a slower pace. Me, well i decided to nut up or shut up and put that treadmill on a 4.5 incline. Yea, thats how i roll. And i did increments of incline and higher speed for 45 minutes. I had to push, push, push myself to finish. Today was the first day i worked out in over three years, yea three whole years, 1095 days, or more, without pushing myself to exercise. How did i feel you may ask, frankly like shit. Its funny, when i was younger and wanting to loose weight, it was a huge thing. I would plan out my start date, and it would be this huge deal where i would throw myself into shock, by not eating any sugar or easing myself into it. I would just go balls to the wall and then hit a wall and inevitably give up. As i was around ten minutes on treadmill this thought popped into my head " This is the first workout of the rest of my life". Every work out from here on out will be easier than the last. When i woke up the morning, I had no idea that i would be going to the gym, signing up, and then working out. I know a lot of people that go to the gym, sign up, then go home... Um hello? Did you just throw 50 bucks out the window? By going home instead of starting your workout, your new life in that moment, your not going to start any thing but giving away your money every month for no reason. You may as well just take your money and put it in the trash because it would be better spend there than on empty promises to yourself. Today was just a random thursday that I woke up thinking i would do just the same thing as yesterday. Today was different because I did not amp myself up that " today is the day i change my life, loose my weight, and solve all of my issues". Today was the day I woke up and decided that today was day one. Tomorrow is day two. Saturday will be day three. There will be mess up's, there will be down days, but there will also be a lot of awesome days, a lot of first's, a lot of i told you so... Today I felt moved and ready, and in that moment, I let go of all the if's, what's, and but's. Done. I have one day down, so ready to meet day two. So cheers to day 2.

A letter for my brother...

As i sit here on the eve of what was the hardest day in my life, i am left with thoughts. Some of them good, some bad, some just wondering. As i let my thoughts wonder, searching for answers, i came across this, " He's the guy who's always there for you. Whenever things go wrong, he'll give you a hand to help you through. And lend your heart a song. He's the guy who's also there for you whenever things go right. To say "Well done! and " Good for you" " i knew you'd be alright" He's the guy you've fought with, stuck up for. A friend that's like no other. A guy that's this and so much more. This guy is called a brother." And there is no one like him in this world. He is a one of a kind. In a song that i adore, there is this line about a brother "Believe you can shine when you're silver, And I promise you gold; I promise you gold" Today my brother has taught me this is true. He has assured me it is ok to be myself, not to regret it. I can't leave out my sis in law, she has been behind my brother this entire time cheering me on. I guess what it all boils down to is this: I am lucky, however i am more chance, as it was chance that brought me to my brother, not luck. My favorite quote on my favorite piece of art work i will ever own states " Brother and sister by chance, friends forever by choice." I love my change and my choice and I love my Brother.

I'm off on an adventure...

Imagine if you will, going down a dirt road, parking the car, and walking out of the " world" walking away from cell phones and cars. As you walk down the mountain you are surrounded by peace and quiet, most of all beauty. Sedona red rocks, beautiful mountains, and amazing friends. As you near the vegetation below, you can hear the water running. As you pass through the brush and broken trees, you are taken away to a place of serenity. There is a plot of rocks, in the middle of a stream of water. This was my Saturday. It was spent tucked away from the world, my own piece of heaven. Me and three of my best friend went on an adventure, to be lost. When we arrived down to the water, i was taken away from the stress of life. It was like, nothing else existed in that moment, just my friends and I. This place we found was secluded but perfect. There was a cut out of rocks for us to lay on, and a deeper hole for us to swim in. We spent a total of 4 hours out there, and it felt like days. Just pure quiet and running water. The sun seemed to heal us all. With all the hustle and bustle of life, the sun just seemed to set us all free. It was fun talking and laughing, then we would go through 30 or more minutes of not talking, just reflecting. I am not one for hiking usually, and i loved this place... I cannot wait to go back. I feel like a healed soul brought back to life.

5 years and counting...

Five whole years. Five. Cinco. Five years since i last cut. For those unaware of "cutting" it is self mutilation, where you intentionally hurt yourself. It is almost hard to describe unless you have done it. For what ever reason it helps relieve pain, or i should say it did for me. For years i cut, to help myself feel. to release my pain from the inside out. As of Monday however, i am five years "sober" i guess you can call it, five years free of cutting. Many times when someone is a cutter, they will never quit. When talking to my therapist a few years back, he still had a client that was cutting. She was 42 years old. Though i was cutting at this point still in my life, that one sentence has always stuck with me. Being 42, this woman most likely had a husband and a family, and she was still taking out her emotional pain upon herself. The last day i cut was June 13, 2006. I was still at boarding school over in California. I was having some problems with the family and decided cutting was my best option to let go of the pain. It had been a few months since i had cut, so i went a little over board. Once i was done i looked down at my leg to check the damage, and all i saw was blood. I had to tell one of the counselors so i could get band aids and get the bleeding to stop. As one of the R.A.'s was helping me get cleaned up, she just kept shaking her head and asking me why. I couldn't form words, all i could do was cry. I couldn't believe i had set myself back again, just when i thought i was moving forward i took 20 steps backwards. When all of my friends at school found out about it, boy did i get ear fulls from all around. That night as i laid in bed, looking at the huge band aid's and ace bandage around my thigh, i had a vision, of me in my forties, with a few kids, hiding under long sleeve t-shirts and long pants in the summer. I did that for a few years and it was pure misery. As i cried in bed and wondered how i traveled down this road, and what brought me here. I realized the pain I had endured from my child hood, did not have to follow me into adult hood, or past this day. Tomorrow was a new start to a new day, and a new life. I no longer had to live with this embarrassment and addiction. So the next day, i decided to start taking things a day at a time. And here i am, 5 years later. Back then, if you would of told me i would of gone for 5 years without cutting, i would of said no fucking way. But yes, fucking way, i did it, it happened, and i am continuing on this path. It is just insane to see where i have come from. If i could write a letter to me or my past, i would have been able to tell myself, it is all worth it. All the pain, tears, and blood is worth the wait of happiness. What is my happiness you ask? My friends, family, my house, my business. It is in the eyes of my young nephew, the laugh of my friends, the love from my mother, the support of everyone, well almost everyone, around me. Happiness is waking up everyday in a pain free world, walking up to take that new day, leaving my past further and further behind me. I was told long ago, you can never forget your past, as it has made you who you are, but you never have to live in the past again. You can look back in the past for references, as long as you don't stay in the past. When i was younger, i could not see into the future, as i wished i didn't have one and that everyday was the day for me to leave this earth. Yes i know that sounds a little drawn out and over done, but that is the way i felt. And now i feel as though i have run a huge marathon race. In a way, i know i have. You don't just get to a five year mark without serious work. Still to this day, when i am really down and out, it will pop into my mind to just "cut". Then i look down at my memorial/anniversary tattoo and i think about the last few years and my growth and happiness, and i say fuck no. And i choose to never look back and never relive that part of my past. c'est-la-vie (it's the life) but i choose this life. After all, how can you regret or be upset with a life you choose? So here's to me, yes me, and five years going on five and a day.

Life is to short to...

Have any regrets. How many times have you regretted not getting that mustard pair of high heels in charlotte russe in San Diego, California two years ago? Well at least this is one of them for me. Do you ever think about your regrets? How many do you have? As i watched my nephew crawl around tonight i remembered when he was first born and how time has flown since that amazing day. And as he grabbed onto my foot tonight, i thought about all the things i have wanted to say or do to my friends and loved ones. All those times i wanted to hang with my dad on the couch, but instead refused to because of his wife being in the room. All those times i wanted to hang with my friends but didn't to please my mom. Too many times I have passed up great opportunities that life is all about. I am making note to never do this with my nephew or from now on. What are you going to change to ensure you can look back fully on this life, and be truly satisfied?

Good bye Portland, Hello Arizona!!!!!!!!!!

Portland as a overall experience was great. I learned a lot from flower school and I learned a lot about myself and what I can handle and what I cannot. I learned more self confidence while I was here as weird as that sounds. And Portland as a city is an amazing city; I would highly recommend everyone to visit this city for its beauty and its food. I also met some amazing people that I believe I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I am so very excited to get home to start my new life. I have been told my shop looks amazing like my new kitchen will to. I am excited to wake up every day and love my career. I am beyond excited to get into my shop and do what I do best… create masterpieces… well mostly! Wish me luck as I travel home and start the first day of the rest of my life Saturday!