26 days...

I have only 26 days. 26 days to begin my new life. 26 days to explore a new city. 26 days could seem long to some people, but it almost doesn’t seem like it is enough. I am going to floral design school. When I was growing up, I never knew what I was going to do for a living. I never had that poof moment where I knew exactly what I wanted to do and be. I worked for 5+ years in my mom’s shop. I enjoyed it but I was more shop keep than I was a designer. I am so over the moon excited to have a career, not a job. Fashion Bug was a job, floral design is a career. I also decided to take this time in Oregon to challenge myself. To take a step outside of my normal and throw myself into the unknown. This is unknown territory for sure. I am located in the downtown area. It is surrounded by many shops, coffee, and restaurants. You can walk pretty much any where you need to go. Many of the people are friendly, on my way to school I got lost and a nice man helped me get where I needed to go. I made fast friends with a girl in my class, who is giving me a ride to school tomorrow ( I had a horrible day in the rain). In this 26 days however, I also challenged myself to do something every day. For instance I went to a local theater tonight with rose ( my floral friend) and her husband. They were showing a preview of what they were going to be putting on this year at the theatre. They had snacks and cupcakes to lure people in to buy season tickets. I must say this was the best stage acting I have ever seen. It makes me wish I lived her e for the entertainment. We also went out to dinner and I had a beer with dinner, which if you know me, I usually only get dr.pepper, and I was presently surprised that I liked the beer and almost ordered another one. I was also surprised that in some cities all people are the same. As I came out of the theater a younger girl approached me and asked if I had a dollar to spare so she could get a room at a hostel for the night, because the shelter was full. I unfortunately had left my backpack in rose’s car or else I would have given her the 4 dollars in my purse.. As I waited outside for rose and her husband I watched this young girl ask ten other people if they had a dollar. Some dismissed her as soon as she approached; some listened to her story and then turned her down. Only one out of ten people gave her a dollar. In a city full of Honda elements, Toyota pruis’s, Ford mustangs and Cadillac escalade’s only one person could spare a dollar. In a city where the major is openly gay, everyone conserves energy and recycles, it seems only one person had a heart. It is a rainy night here in Portland, I will think about that girl all night, wondering if she got a room… Another thing that stayed with me is a line from the theater :“ I’m an angry American with an open mind. I am full of hate and envy but at the end, I am full of hope.” Can you make yourself a challenge, even in your own town? Can you make yourself do something outside of your comfort zone everyday for at least a month? I think you can!

Oh nephews....

If you ever get so lucky as to become an aunt, then you know my title by heart. Even when they are less than three months it is incredible the love you have for your nephew. As i went to see my darling little nephew Henry, i was so excited to see him i could barely wait. Work took forever, the pizza took way to long to cook, and traffic was just in the way. The moment my sister opened the door and i saw his beautiful face, i could cry all over again, like the day he was born. To me, Henry is perfect in every way, as most aunts and parents would say, but i truly feel it. From head to toe, there is perfection. His eyes could kill, his checks chubby, his body long and growing, and his heart out for all to see. How could you not love a baby right? Well the moment i was told i was going to be an aunt i had instant love for Henry. I am one of his aunts, and i feel so lucky to be. Last night he fell asleep on me for an hour and a half. As we laid there, i wondered what he was dreaming about, if he was dreaming. I wondered when i would tell him this story of when he fell asleep on my chest and stretched out and used me like a recliner.I could and would never trade that moment for anything. It is amazing how fulfilling being an aunt can make you feel. I can't wait to see what his life brings and to watch him grow from a boy to a man.

Sometimes i wish...

There was a boy to hold my hand in public. Sometimes i wish there was a boy to wipe my tears from my checks. I sometimes wish there was a boy period in my life to care and love me when i feel the most vulnerable and lonely. On a daily basis i see women that don't deserve love, yet they have a faithful man to stay by their side. They have men to tell them they look beautiful when they feel ugly. They have a man to show them passion and comfort when they need it the most. I do not know why i feel the need to have a man around to fulfill these things. I have a great single life, but i find it's when i am completely alone that i feel the most lonely( meaning no one in the house, and no plans for the night.) Like tonight for instance, I got off work early and came home to a empty house with nothing good on t.v. to watch. Its those times i wish i had some one to talk to or hang out with other than friends. Someone i could have a emotional connection with, someone who will be there for the boring Saturday night's. To me, there are many women who take this for granted. Many women don't realize what they have till its gone, or they go out searching for greater things. Truly there shouldn't be anyone greater for you then what you have, unless they beat or abuse you then by all means there is something better in the sea. But why do many women cheat on what is so great already in their life? Why do they feel the need for more? Why are they not the one's on the couch, alone and cold on a boring Saturday night? Though i am 22 i am surely giving up. I know I'm not that old i have time, but i don't want time. I don't go out often and i don't party often, im at home alone and im tired of being home alone. I just wonder will it happen? will i find love? At this point im just giving up and waiting to be saved by some hunk. I also wonder if i will ever find anyone as good as my ex. The way he made me feel, the way i laughed. Will i laugh like that again, and feel that way again. Beautiful just the way i am? Or stuck and giving up in a hopeless sea.

In just a few short hours i will be turning 22. I must say it is not as much fun as last year was but still pretty ok, for now. This was a pretty mind blowing year. All the excitement of being a 21 year old girl, being able to have real girls nights, going to vegas, and being able to go into a bar, legally, was awesome. I found out what heart break was again, that was not so much fun. I found out that i was going to be an aunt which was exciting and overwhelming. I can't wait to say this is my nephew Henry, the fourth, my nephew! I feel i have grown this year, as in every year before.When my mom called me today she told me that she was 22 when she married my dad. This blows my mind, i cant imagine being ready to commit to someone at such a young age. I feel i'm still finding myself in this world. i still wonder what im going to do when i grow up. I want to open a bakery but who knows. I still remember when i was a kid wondering where i would be in my 20's and what i would be doing. I figured i would be somewhere great doing something amazing. But im still in the same ole town doing the same ole thing. As for my last day as 21, i am going to study, have a drink, and go to bed, early for a change!

Feel.Anxiety.Pain

cut.blood.feel. I used to have to cut and see the blood to feel real. To feel anything. Now i feel everything so intensly. How did i used to be so numb to the world, did i finally wake up? Did i finally become a part of the world? When ever there is drama i feel it, the guilt, the shame, the pain. I also realize how anxiety feels. I used to think anxiety was normal. Im slowly learning it is not normal to always feel anxious and not be able to calm down. Never knowing when it is going to hit is the hardest part. Sometimes it is walking into a school building, others when walking in my own home. I feel there will never be a cure, as i feel a spat of anxiety coming on now.

No Regrets

Some people say they have no regrets, some say they have regrets, some live with regrets, and others do not. Who is to say that we should or should not have them. Some can look back at thier regrets with sadness, others happiness. Someone reminded me tonight that what i thought was a regret, really isn't. "when you can put your feelings aside and look beyond what you want and go with what you need, thats when you start taking care of yourself and make your life better for you and no one else. no regrets ever. everything happens for a reason. we might not see the reason at the time but we all do eventually" is what he said to me. This is how i need to start thinking when trying to get over someone or when things dont work out the way i intended them to or invisioned them to. I always learn from them and i always will have no regrets. With them, how would i have lived my life... I cannot regret what has made me well me.

good guys finish last...

over the last few months i have realized that good guys finish last...i pushed my " good" guy away. i thought i had more options, with the bad boy, the hot boy, and the ex/blast from the past. though only months later none of these boys matter and there is still that nice guy, just waiting for me to say when, where, and what time. i found myself pondering about this boy, guy and or man for months. when i was trying to hold onto something that was dead from the day it started. i was holding on to the situation where the nice, nieve girl was going to finish dead last... and i did. once you finish last it is hard to trust again. with every person you get to know it seems you give a little piece of your heart, even if its friendship. so when you loose that friendship or relationship it makes it hard to try again... but im trying. for me its like climbing a mountain, but im atleast on the trail and im atleast going to give it a try... after all the kiss was simple, sweet, and given from the first gentlemen i have known in my adult life... yeah the first but i suppose that is expected i am only in my twenties. there could be many more fish in the sea or i could be hooked... only tomarro can tell but today was a gift. im happy that my wondering led to the trail on a mountain, it seems we only get a few of these days to set us on new paths. but it was my own will, not gods will for me to just wonder and be me... thats all i have and for me, thats big.