poker face

i've been wearing a poker face for most ofmy life. i wear a poker face so no one knows that the weight bothers me and it always has. i'm looking at pictures of myself in horror. i miss being thin, i miss everyone saying " wow you look so beautiful" now the best i get is you look "good" i want that wow factor when i see a cute guy, you know the look in the eyes that makes your heart skip a beat. im truly tired of caring this weight and sorrow. so since the new year is almost a day away its time to make some promises,not resolutions. i promise to have this be the last year of hating myself behind closed doors. i promise to always put myself first, never last. i know i can do this it just takes all the heart and determination from with in...


happy new year, world here i come for the first time.

holidays...

the holidays came and went once again. i believe this christmams was one of the best ever on my moms side of things. my mom got everyone a really nice electronial gift which is always appreciated this time of the year. christmas eve with my moms side of the family is always my favorite. everyone gets along really well and everyone has a pretty good.

however dads side is a different story. i always have problems with my dads wife a.k.a. the devils whore. i know that sounds bad but we have had beef ever since she was brought into the family to many moons ago. she just loves to starts shit with every one she can...

as for today im just thinking about life and the people in it.

writting... bored at home

so while i sit here at home bored on a friday night i started writting... it wasnt really to any one but it turned out to be for my grandfather... here it goes xoxox gramps!


Come back to me
i want you to come back to me
my heart shattered to a million pieces
and poured out my eyes
in the hospital i awaited
to hear something
anything
my last time spent with you was not glorious
or beautiful
it was not a begging or an ending
it was "ill see you later"
never knowing when later was
i have missed you everyday for the last ten years
some days more than others
i want just ten more minutes with you
the day you passed i wanted to sit with you
no matter where you went
in heaven hell or in between
i wanted to be with you
it was hard to understand why you left
feeling lost and hopeless with out you
i wished we could go away somewhere
together
i wish i could feel you here
and look into your eyes one last time...

thanksgiving....

For the most part thanksgiving went on without a hitch this year... except for the stepmom part...

Dinner at my mommies was lovely! She and my stepfather are amazing cooks! There was so much food to eat and great pies that my sister and i made... they were quiet decent!

Its the time of year to remember all of the things that we are greatful for... I am greatful for all of my family, friends, my job(sometimes!) some of the more material things i am great full for is my i-pod and car! i know i cannot live without either of them.

But amazingly at these times i am most great full for the people that surround me. Every person i have in my life is there for a reason i believe. I always love to reflect on how special every one person is because everyone means something different to me. So in conclusion i guess i am just thankful, great full, and happy!

on another note of being great full i have switched my degree and know exactly what i plan to do with my life!

candy corn and blood

yea so in English today with Anna we wrote a poem... nice, dark, and morbid.

Awake in a dark room

The smell of fall is upon my nostrils

I go to put on my costume

I take the tea off the stove

And sip

While enjoying its warmth

I never realized how the leaves changed so vividly this time of year

And how cool the breeze blows through the pines

It leaks through the window seals

Walking outside the wind chills the bones

Like a cold corpse in the frozen ground

Skin decay and rotting bones

With no where for their souls to go but hell

The memory hits like a ton of bricks

The smell of blood with a taste of candy corn

we thought it would be funny and it leaves you hanging... Happy October

torn

I hate being torn... im torn with a situation that my friend is in... i am trying to be as neutral as possible but at the same time its so hard to. i cannot say whats going on though i wish i could.

moving on today was pretty boring. just school and work... and trying to get some cleaning done as well. Im just listening to jack johnson and sitting outside enjoying the breeze. its a pretty nice day i just wish i did not have to go to class tonight..

on another note i might be moving up to co manager soon!!! YAY FOR WORKING 24/7 IF THAT HAPPENS!

fall

Fall has finally fallen in Prescott. The leaves are changing, the sky is bright blue, and it is very cool outside. Its a funny thing when fall comes, many of the days i just want to stay in bed, curled up with a blanket. Its so weird to think that the holidays will be upon us soon, which for me means being at work 24/7. I wish it was like back in the old days when stores would not be open on Christmas ever or the day after. Unfortunately for me i get to work the day before and after Christmas. Though i may not be religious, it would be nice to have the time off. I just hate how busy the Christmas season becomes around retail. Why do we have to buy so many gifts for people? Why can't we donate our time to those in need down at a shelter, or just simply spend time with our familys since we have no idea how short our time is.


As for today i am stuck at school all day... its just one of those days i wished i didnt have to wake up...

to long

It has been way to long since i last blogged... not to much has changed though.

I have started to loose weight yet again, but thats a whole bag a of chips to feast on.

I start school on monday, and boy and i not excited. I hate school i always feel so awkward around new people. I always find myself wondering where they come from, what their story is ya know? maybe you dont but god do i dread school. i feel like my life ends for 15 weeks.

On the up side my twenty first birthday is septemer 8th. I have a big trip planed with all of my closest friends. I am very excited and scared to be 21 because of my old habits with alchohol i only hope i can keep it under control.

My new artist for the week is : Bon Iver

easy to fall into...

bad habits are slowly creaping up on me. Its getting harder and harder to not go down that path. the dark on, the one i used to call home. the bottom of the bottle and cold, harsh reality of the razor blade. yes i used to cut, drink, smoke, and basically numb myself from the pain. when life gets hard its hard not to go back to this lifestlyle. Everyday is a new struggle. Hoping to make it through to the other side.

If i ever leave this world alive...

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your
feet tonight
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness
That I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive

So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right

She says I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
Yeah should be alright
Flogging Molly's "If i ever leave this world alive."

It is nearing the anniversary of my grandfather Walt's death. I miss him every day. When hank and danielle got married there was a yellow butterfly that hung in a bush for the entire ceremony. I knew it was him. When i came home the very next day i saw the same butterfly with the yellow wings and blue spots at the bottom and the black in the middle. I saw this butterfly every day in the summer time. Right around ten thirty- eleven o'clock every morning i would walk out side and he would fly by. It is still hard to know he is gone. I always imagine how he would think of me now. He always called my grandpa's girl. Easter is his favorite holiday. It makes me sad i only got so few with him. But i know he is up there... and down here.

I love you grandpa... Always and Forever...

Grandpa's girl

xoxoxo

life?

yea so i have found out how much men suck in this town. well all over right now. i think i am just bored of this town. its just so small and i'm feeling clostrophobic here. its kind of suffocating here. and school is just getting really hard this semester. its just whatever.

beautiful

. . . that is the only way to describe a new life... one is on the way. Madelyn sara is due to be born april 12, 2009 easter sunday. Audreys shower was amazing. she looked so cute and defninetly has a good start to parenting her new child. it was lovely to see all my friends and socialize for a day out of prescott.

tomarro starts normal life again... boo

baby shower

this is the weekend of my friend audrey's baby shower. it is so interesting to me to see how your friends in life grow into their womanhood or motherhood. i am so excited for audrey. i know she will be an amazing mother. i have known her since we were 4 and to see her go through this is an amazing experience. it will be interesting to see who gets married next or has a baby. . .

for me right now though its not the right time to have a baby or get married (plus you have to atleast have a boy friend first!)

so for me its just living life to the fullest... cause you never know when its over!

chow for now!

lips of an angel

it is so wierd to think back about all the people who have come in and out of our lives. weither it was guys or girls. its so wierd tho think back about the memories that you shared. i am just in such a thinking mood right now i dont know why.

on another note for some reason i am missisng some of those people. and i am missing some of my family members. like my grandfather... i miss him alot more than i ever thought possible. he died when i was younger so i never thought i would ever really be able to miss him but i truly do. and i miss my brother, no hes still alive but i just think we are getting closer and then i never get to see him any more with our scheduals. its just kind of wierd. you usually arent close with your siblings when you are younger but as you get older its wierd to feel that you miss them even if they are in the same town....

today

i get to go to work... thats the glory of working retail i guess.

last night i had fun thought. Carlos, Carlotta, Crystal,Angie, and myself went to texas road house and then went bowling. it was lotta and carlos's first time but it was a blast. i just really wish i didnt have to work today...

boys, guys, men...

why is it girls are always left hurt. no matter how much they say they wont or that they are different, they just aren't. this is a bit from the book i am writting.

I always give them some part of me. We give one part of ourselves to everyone. Weather it be a part of our past, our present, or our future. If seems we are always giving and losing. However if we are giving, this means that we are receiving a part of some one else, as they are losing to us. It is just one big cycle that we need to understand that as much as we give away and loose, we are always gaining and receiving. Bits and pieces of one another. Male or female, boyfriend of girlfriend, what ever. We are always willing to give and receive bits and pieces of one another. The things I gave and shared with Joe are between he and I. Sure I can tell you all about how much we shared and cared, but you will never feel it the way that Joe and I do and did. Knowing so much about another can be scary, but it can help them and you get to know them. It will help you understand each other and yourself as a person. I guess it’s the same with annonomus. Only he and I know what we shared and what we felt, what I felt. I can truly never know if he meant what he said when he said he loved me or when he said he didn’t care about me. We will never know how we may have impacted the other person. We can only hope it was all in the right ways. They will never know how much the effected us. But what I do know is how you can express your feelings to one another and how you have changed each other. With each person that leaves your life, they let room in for some one else to come in that you are supposed to met at this point in your life. To carry you to the next point in your life. Joe helped me close a huge chapter in my life. He helped me reflect on my time at AOS. He helped me shake Peter. And he helped me stay sober. However the best thing he did was show me how to cope with a break up. The first heart break I experienced I was able to drink, smoke, pill pop, and almost chop my leg off. This time though I had to actually let myself feel the pain of love. I had to experience the pain of losing another and self soothing.

for some reason i started thinking about my relationship with joe when a friend had told me what happened to her today. i remember reflecting on it to write my book. but i do think this blurb is true. we do give pieces of ourselves to people no matter the circumstance or relationships.

just something to chew on for the moment.

oh daffy

my kitten is smitten... well my kitten is actually fucking crazy. every chance she gets she attacks me. no matter what im doing yes its very entertaining but it is also starting to hurt my hands!

oh and my psy test was pretty easy... for the most part but we will see how well i did.

no looking forward to dinner tonight cause i still havent finished my dads card. but oh well what can you do?

Life for me right now . . .

is confusing. every one wants something from me right now. " go to school, get good grades, loose weight, go to work, don't eat that, do this for me now," it seems to never end. i miss the simple days, the uncomplicated days of youth. days where certain people and problems were not. when i didn't have to make a life changing decision right now. its just so frustrating to be always pushed so far by people. or be stabbed in the back.

i hate some of the family situations i am in right now. mainly on my dads side. i just don't understand what her problem is. to make me feel guilty for what she has done and continues to do.

what ever. thats how i feel tonight is just whatever.

and tomarro starts day 6 with out water... lucky me